Maybe a bit to truthful?

Hi everyone,

It’s that time again, Monday evening and you are all ready for your weekly fix of a week in the life of me, Kate.  How I cope from day-to-day with that shitty friend of mine anxiety and depression.  Now that I’m professionally trained some people don’t understand why it still pop’s up from time to time and I still have to work with it every day, but doctor’s are still aloud to get sick right? teachers can still learn and electricians lights are allowed to blow!! It’s called life and being a human being.  I’ve come across some right boring people in my 30 years of being here,  if they where a colour, they’d most defiantly be a beige or a cream! bore off.  They’ve never been smacked in the face with a problem and they don’t suffer with highs or lows, their life is just about gently plodding along and staying steady the whole time.  Am I jealous? sometimes when I’m bad, when the only thing I can see is black and even thinking hurts.  But how boring would life be hey if we where all like that? OK the downs aint great, but the up’s are brilliant. And it is a part of me and without it I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t be doing the job I love or writing this weekly blog that gets read all over the world.  I why does it get read all over? That I’m not quite sure of, but I think its because I’m honest.  I saw a little quote today which explained in a nutshell what its like to suffer with anxiety and depression.  I liked it! and this is what it said:

” Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.  It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.  It’s wanting friends but hate socializing.  It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely.  It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing.  It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.”

This pretty much sums it up for me.  But only on a bad day now.  A bad day in the past would consist of every day or every other day.  But now a few years on, I’m on medication and I talk I am a good 90% “normal” but who is normal and what is normal? I hate that word it’s so boring! its beige!  So let’s get truthful.  How has my week been? Well I am not going to lie, it has been hard.  Really hard.  One of my biggest struggle’s that I really do find hard at the moment is the kids,  now before I carry on I need to get one thing straight, I love my kids to bit’s.  They are my total and utter life and everything I do is to provide for them and make them smile, but I struggle.  I just wish more mum’s and dad’s would be more honest about their parenting struggles because for people like little old me, that would help so much.  All I see all over Facebook is how much they adore their little darling’s, what a fantastic day they’ve had and how they’re dreading them going back to school because life wont be the same and they have made some fantastic memories??? Jesus! not me love. Mine have just made a great big mess ate me out of house and home and drove me to insanity!!!!  The uniforms have been ironed for nearly a month, the packed lunches where made the day they broke up and I’ve been doing my hippy stuff to keep me calm! (not the green stuff).  All they do is fight, scream, argue, kick, punch, trip one another up and just generally have that typical brother/sister relationship where they love each other “to death” literally!!

Now a lot of people can cope with this,  I take my hat of to you I really do.  They can turn a blind eye to the screams and not get the urge to lock them in the outside shed and drink Gin for breakfast! you people are my hero’s!! But listen.  On a day where I am great, all happy and feeling good about life, I can deal with it all.  I can ignore the mess, drink tea and crack on.  But and that’s a big but, when I am having a bad week or day I just can’t do it.  Just like this week.  It was Friday just gone and It was another morning of the same old routine, the screams started just after I’d sat down to a piece of toast and cup of tea (milk 2 sweetners).  my stomach sank, my eyes filled with tear’s.  I can’t do this again.  Not today.  Everyone was working, busy or doing family stuff.  I was alone, wanted company but didn’t want to talk to anybody!  who would really want to come and sit with me with a face on me like that? who really actually gives a shit about me? who really would do for me as I would do for anyone reading this blog?  That is how I felt so I didn’t bother.  I locked myself away and just did what I needed to do to survive that day.

At one point my mum called, she could sense I was ready to stick the kids on ebay! the house looked like a suicide bomber had popped in for a brew! and I had just given up.  ” Why don’t you come back to our’s for an hour?” I did and I wanted to but I also couldn’t be arsed.  Mum sat in the garden with the kids and I polished her house as I needed to keep busy, do anything to stop my mind from thinking.  I just cried.  I wiped the tear’s, mum none the wiser (until she reads this)  and got the kids and took them over to the field.  They had a run round and again I lay on the field and cried! I must of looked like a right nut job!! but it had to come out.  I was thinking,  I could run away.  Id wait for Paul to get home, get on my bike and just go.  Id leave a note but Id just go.  Would I come back? I’m not sure if I’m honest.  I am at breaking point.  When you hear about those mums that do those kind of things I do understand.  Being a parent is bloody hard work.  There was a tragic incident a few years back where a mother committed suicide in an awful way.  She told her hubby and kids she was off to the shop, but she never returned and she killed herself.  If only I had seen her that day, maybe made her a cuppa and just listened that could of helped?  I get it.  That is exactly how I felt on Friday.  Ready to leave.  Does that make me a terrible mother?? I don’t know.  But at least I’m being honest.

That night, my mum text asking if I was ok? instead of just saying  “yep” I thought I’d tell her the truth.  “No, I’ve cried all day, and I just can’t be a mum for much longer” Within seconds mum rang and I couldn’t talk for tears! she flew down, gave me a fat hug and just listened.  She was great.  I’m lucky enough to have a mum that gives a shit and is alive and well. This made me think,  I want my kids to phone me when they feel blue and I can be there.  I must keep fighting and not run away.

Because I opened up and asked for help, I got it.  In fact I got more than that! I got a cooked breakfast out with my lovely dad. We went for a walk after,  just took our time and had a gab about life. Dad’s are the best and they have their own roles.  Mum does the tears and wiping the snot off my face! and dad does the pat on the back, breakfast and a squeeze of the hand.  This is code for ” I love you kid”.  The day after my amazing mother in law took my youngest for the whole day and night! what a star.  Me and my sister in law went to a free festival in Liverpool.  We just mainly drank cider, ate food and danced but it was like medicine for me.  It just reminded me of the Kate I feel good about.

Thank’s for putting up with me! Let’s hope it is a good week.

Cheer’s.

Kate

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Short but sweet xx 

Evening all!

Bit of a different blog tonight. It’s short but sweet ( like me) 😀 but as you all know by now I have my struggles with depression and anxiety, and have done for many many years now. I’ve fought against it, denied it, stopped medication, blamed people ” if she didn’t treat me like that, then I’d be ok” “if only I had a bigger house, a better car, smaller waist…if only, if only, if only. But as Mr Albert Ellis once said , (one of the founders of CBT ) “it’s not the event that takes place that makes you feel how you do, it’s how you perceive the event.” At first I found this really hard to get my head around, really? But look, we all have choices. We can either sit, dwell, self-blame and feel shit.  Or we can still feel shit but fight the feeling and begin the journey to feel good. We can change these negative moods by changing our thoughts. How? Challenge them, what evidence have you got? And if you have got evidence how long will you mentally abuse yourself? Get moving. And I don’t mean running away, I mean physically moving. Running, walking, boxing, cycling anything you want. Force yourself to do something you know you enjoy. Seek help with a professional and be completely and utterly honest with a friend. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength and taking charge of your own life. So this is what I have been doing. This past month, I’ve not felt hunky-dory! And if I’d let it, my mind could of taken over. But I took control of my mind. I’ve been quiet. I’m aware of that. But I’ve been busy. First of all I’m taking my Med’s, I eat well, I drink loads of water, but then enjoy my Sunday roast with all the trimmings and a glass of wine! Excersize is my big one. That is amazing for your mood. So get moving. You must become your own teacher, nobody know’s you better than you. Take control and begin to live your life instead of just existing.

Look after yourselves peeps. 

Kate  

   

Normal responses to abnormal events…..PTSD

PTSD

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It is an anxiety/depression disorder caused by an extremely stressful, frightening and distressing event.  We relate it a lot to military combat but can also be brought on by the following events:-

  • Severe attacks
  • Road collisions and incidents
  • Rape
  • Terrorist attacks
  • Natural disasters
  • Mugging or robbing
  • Sexual, mental or emotional abuse

There are of course many more incidents that can trigger PTSD but these are the most common talked about ones.  PTSD can happen almost immediately after the event or weeks later, months or years.  If it does come on in later life, its possible it has been triggered by a smell, sudden noise or a dream.  Whatever the weather, it isn’t nice.  In fact its awful.

PTSD doesn’t discriminate, it can happen to anyone, of any size, shape, ethnic origin, gay, straight you name it! What is baffling, two people can suffer exactly the same event and one may develop PTSD and the other may not.  If you do develop it, it’s not a sign of weakness.  Not at all. so don’t be so hard on yourselves peep’s.  Research show’s that if you have suffered with any mental health conditions before such as depression or anxiety then you are more likely to get PTSD than others that haven’t suffered before.  1 in 3 people are suffering with it right now, so you guessed it, you are bound to know someone that is suffering. Talk to them, tell them about this blog, write to me, open up, seek help and begin to go through the painful process of what happened.  It needs to get out.

This week I have spoke to a few people that have been good enough to share a few of their struggle’s with me and what happens to them on a daily basis, and the people that I spoke with all had the same reoccurring conditions.  Such as:

  • Constant flash backs on a daily basis
  • Nightmares and night sweats
  • struggling to get to sleep
  • Heavily drinking to numb the pain and ignore the issues.
  • Sex with a number of people to feel a positive emotion which is just blocking a negative emotion that does need to come out.

The list is endless.

And if we don’t continue to talk then more and more lives will be taken by yet another mental health condition.

” Normal responses to abnormal experiences”  You will be OK,  you just need to talk.

After a period of time all of these feelings, emotions and behaviors will pass but if you have PTSD they don’t pass.  They just stay and possibly get worse.  The only way they go is if you deal with it.  This means talking about the event and jumping in at the deep end.  No more avoidance or distractions.

About two years ago I was having counselling,  I went with my intense anxiety or health and developing a sickness bug.  But what came out was something completely different and my reasons as to why I worry about getting sick or being sick.  When my son was 4 he was playing in the playground, crawling around pretending to be cats and dogs with his friends! when all of a sudden another boy of his age came over and kicked Fred with extreme force and then jumped on him.  He was left with internal bleeding and a broken femur, (the strongest bone in the human body)  I was at home at the time with my hubby having a cuppa, we got a phone call and where told we had to get to school immediately.  When we arrived Fred had been moved and was passing in and out of consciousness on the school sofa in reception and no ambulance had been phoned.

When the paramedics arrived Fred was put straight in the ambulance, pants cut and rushed straight to hospital where a trauma team was waiting for him.  The poor boys screams will stay with me forever, the fear in his face and not being able to hold him or hug him.  As parents we where utterly helpless.  They gave him an epidural to numb him and began to straighten his leg and put into a metal splint, they also needed to hang weights on the end to keep the leg stretched.  A lot for a little boy, and not just any little boy. Our little boy.  I wasn’t coping very well, but luckily I have an amazing hubby who held Freddy’s head the whole time whilst they where fitting that. He had hourly checks, had to be rolled over to be cleaned and checked, sometimes they had to change the splint which meant more pain.  He was totally bed-ridden for 2 months and had to lie completely flat, a hard task when you’re only 4. After all of this he went into a wheel chair, and we had to teach him how to walk all over again.  It was a really tough time and extremely scary.  On his last night in hospital, we where all so excited to come home.  The hospital staff where popping in with gifts and cards and cup’s of tea! that final night I started with a horrible vomiting bug.  I tried to fight it but I had no other choice but to come home.  I  left Freddy on the most important day, coming home in the ambulance.  I wanted to decorate the house with balloons but I couldn’t do anything apart from be there at the other end.  The guilt sat with me for ages.  And since then I have been terrified of getting ill or being anywhere near someone that may have been ill recently.  Because If I get ill that means I can’t be a mum.

I have dealt with my issues now, and with all my training I can pull myself out of it.  Its hard but I can do it! Apparently I was suffering with PTSD.

Everyone has experienced something in their live’s.  Don’t feel ashamed to talk about it, cry about it or get angry about it.  They are normal responses to abnormal situations.

Lots of love…….

Kate

Keep Calm and Colour In

Evening all! 

So as you may know I’ve been away this week with Paul, the kids and our friends in Aberyswth. I was ready for this as where all of us. No cares in the world apart from food,drink and fresh air. 

Day one was fab! It consisted of games, sunshine,walks on the beach and then hot doughnuts in the evening! it Was great. Everyone then tucked up, listening to the rain land on the tent, torches shining through as people scurry to the toilet blocks and the waves crashing in the background. Heaven. So far so good. 


The next Day consisted of the same kind of camping stuff! It was great. In the evening I made a big pan of Scouse with crusty bread and butter, it was bloody lovely! The sun was on my face and I was totally chilled. So why on earth did I have a huge panic/anxiety attack that night? 

 
 
I climbed into bed absolutey fine and dandy! I was in stiches laughing at something Paul had said, until all of a sudden I felt slightly disoriented. I got an acid burning rush in my throat and mouth, I got pins and needles in my arms, lips tingling, could hardly breath, sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably. It was horrendous, I needed to escape the tent and go home. 

I climbed out the tent, it was about 11.30pm, I looked a right divy! I had Pauls trainers on and my sheep dressing gown ( including the ears!!)  I looked like a sheep on acid!!! I walked to the toilet blocks and was sick. Trying to calm myself I splashed my face with water and took myself for a walk. I hate this. 

I sat outside my tent for a little bit, just looking up at the stars. My anxiety had gone from being a 9/10 down to a 4/10 . I could still feel it, but I was beginning to take back some control. As I had discussed in week 4’s blog, I knew my Parasympathetic Nervous System was kicking in. I was going to be ok. After climbing back in the tent I finally nodded off thank god. 

  
I woke the next morning feeling physically and mentally drained but knowing I needed to keep busy I got straight up and we all headed to the beach for a walk. We skimmed stones, then went swimming and finished the day in the local town mooching around the harbour. 

That evening still keeping busy, (god it’s hard work but I can’t suffer with that again) I cooked a bolognase and I put my favourite red wellies on, pink Lippy and walked down to the bar for the cheesy entertainment and a Gin!

My god it was like something out of Benefit street! They had all landed for one night! One woman looked like she’d washed her face with a firework!! Jesus! There’s hope for me!! But guess what, I had no anxiety. Just a bag of Knobby’s nut’s and a few Gins! I was exhausted, but by keeping busy I had done it. Well done me.  

 
What I’m getting at is, if you give into Anxiety it will always win. I could of gone home. You’ll end up feeling disappointed, which reinforces the feelings of not being safe. Or you can fight it. Feel like utter shite for a small period of time and then feel proud of yourself for staying, overcoming and achieving. 

With Anxiety we all look at what we don’t have, flip it round. Look at what you do have. These positive things make us feel safe. So what have I learnt about myself this week that helps with this? 

  • Taking control and owning it. If I want to do something I can. Even if it is in the middle of the night. 
  • Writting- I love to write, this blog is my saviour! Get yourself a diary and focus on the positive things that have happened in the day. 
  • Colouring in! Yep that’s right! I’ve discovered colouring books for adults! It’s so therapeutic and it takes up all your concentration.     
  •  Reading- I’m not really a reader but I bought a book from the charity shop, 50p! And I’ve really enjoyed it. It was a form of escapism. It’s called “A Bay of Secrets by Rosanna Ley. Give it a whirl. 

Hey listen you lot, really appreciate you listening to me waffle! 

Here to help if you need me. 

Keep calm and colour in! 

Kate xx 

   
  

 

Thank God for Pink Lippy! 

  Hi You lot, 

Ok So today, I’ve woke up and it’s black, I’ve got no energy to smile and even picking up my pen to write this week’s blog note’s is tough. But it’s a Thursday morning, and I’ve made a promise to myself to always talk or write and I owe it to you lot to be honest and write about my feelings and how someone that is professionally trained deal’s with “it”. 

Today I don’t want to be a mum. But today I look a normal happy and healthy person. So what does someone with depression look like? And what is normal? I’m in my usual colourful clothes, with a green head scarf in my hair and bright pink Lippy on to brighten my day and cheer up my mush!! I’ve got a coffee in my hand and smooth FM on. Sounds good right? I look good, well dressed and got my slap on! I don’t look “depressed” but hey, don’t be to quick to judge a book by its cover. Remember that broken head I told you about? That’s it. 

Being a mum I love! I don’t care about the dirt, paint, play-doh, cars or loud music. It’s all part of the fun right?! Not just for them but for me. I constantly have kids here. Making den’s, eating sweets and I love it and it fill’s my day’s. I honestly think I’ve been put on this earth to be a mum. BUT (and it’s a big but) days like today I find sooooooo hard. My daughter does nothing but scream,sing,shout,talk,climb and jump. She’s a ball of fire and filled with personality and I’m so glad she is. It shows me she’s alive and living, but today I can’t handle it. I want to lock myself away and hide my head under my big purple cushions!! My son is nine. He’s at another level, we have attitude, eye rolling, “mum can I have 20p every five minutes”, I hate you, I love you, what are we doing today? But also he is incredibly clever, amazing with words, totally handsome and my best friend! I’m not ungrateful, I know how lucky I am. You don’t need to tell me that. I also don’t need people to say ” so what’s up then?” It’s nothing personal! It’s not a reaction to anything it’s just there. It’s tough to explain hey! But all I can do is grab it by the balls! Take control and wear Pink Lippy!! So ok today I won’t be smiling like the Cheshire Cat but the most important thing is to face life and do it anyway. I’ve cranked the music up, threw my Lippy on, stuck washing on the line, made a lovely coffee, told Fred how I feel and asked him to give me a high five every 30 minutes!!  

I’m getting out in the garden and painting my nails!! You’re probably gutted reading this thinking I was going to give you the magic recipe to being cured! Soz! There is none. You’ve got to just get up, get out and pop on your Lippy! This wasn’t my planned blog for this week, but I thought it was important to share and be honest. I always write my blog out in the week, in my blue flowery pad so that will all follow next week ok? 

My urges for Self harming today have been high. I get a prickly feeling in my arms, but will it help me feel better??? Well actually yes, but for only 5 minutes. What’s the point? I need to feel better for the rest of the day and my life. So no, it won’t help at all. I’d only be left feeling guilty, sad, disappointed, Shame and sadness. There is no magic wand with Depression and any mental health unfortunately. You have to Fight, you have to move, you have to share and talk, and you have to do things that you feel comfortable with. Look after yourself, please don’t hide away because trust me it doesn’t work, it only makes things worse. 

Thank’s for listening, don’t judge a book by its cover, and always wear pink Lippy! 

Kate