It’s that time again, Monday evening and you are all ready for your weekly fix of a week in the life of me, Kate. How I cope from day-to-day with that shitty friend of mine anxiety and depression. Now that I’m professionally trained some people don’t understand why it still pop’s up from time to time and I still have to work with it every day, but doctor’s are still aloud to get sick right? teachers can still learn and electricians lights are allowed to blow!! It’s called life and being a human being. I’ve come across some right boring people in my 30 years of being here, if they where a colour, they’d most defiantly be a beige or a cream! bore off. They’ve never been smacked in the face with a problem and they don’t suffer with highs or lows, their life is just about gently plodding along and staying steady the whole time. Am I jealous? sometimes when I’m bad, when the only thing I can see is black and even thinking hurts. But how boring would life be hey if we where all like that? OK the downs aint great, but the up’s are brilliant. And it is a part of me and without it I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t be doing the job I love or writing this weekly blog that gets read all over the world. I why does it get read all over? That I’m not quite sure of, but I think its because I’m honest. I saw a little quote today which explained in a nutshell what its like to suffer with anxiety and depression. I liked it! and this is what it said:
” Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.”
This pretty much sums it up for me. But only on a bad day now. A bad day in the past would consist of every day or every other day. But now a few years on, I’m on medication and I talk I am a good 90% “normal” but who is normal and what is normal? I hate that word it’s so boring! its beige! So let’s get truthful. How has my week been? Well I am not going to lie, it has been hard. Really hard. One of my biggest struggle’s that I really do find hard at the moment is the kids, now before I carry on I need to get one thing straight, I love my kids to bit’s. They are my total and utter life and everything I do is to provide for them and make them smile, but I struggle. I just wish more mum’s and dad’s would be more honest about their parenting struggles because for people like little old me, that would help so much. All I see all over Facebook is how much they adore their little darling’s, what a fantastic day they’ve had and how they’re dreading them going back to school because life wont be the same and they have made some fantastic memories??? Jesus! not me love. Mine have just made a great big mess ate me out of house and home and drove me to insanity!!!! The uniforms have been ironed for nearly a month, the packed lunches where made the day they broke up and I’ve been doing my hippy stuff to keep me calm! (not the green stuff). All they do is fight, scream, argue, kick, punch, trip one another up and just generally have that typical brother/sister relationship where they love each other “to death” literally!!
Now a lot of people can cope with this, I take my hat of to you I really do. They can turn a blind eye to the screams and not get the urge to lock them in the outside shed and drink Gin for breakfast! you people are my hero’s!! But listen. On a day where I am great, all happy and feeling good about life, I can deal with it all. I can ignore the mess, drink tea and crack on. But and that’s a big but, when I am having a bad week or day I just can’t do it. Just like this week. It was Friday just gone and It was another morning of the same old routine, the screams started just after I’d sat down to a piece of toast and cup of tea (milk 2 sweetners). my stomach sank, my eyes filled with tear’s. I can’t do this again. Not today. Everyone was working, busy or doing family stuff. I was alone, wanted company but didn’t want to talk to anybody! who would really want to come and sit with me with a face on me like that? who really actually gives a shit about me? who really would do for me as I would do for anyone reading this blog? That is how I felt so I didn’t bother. I locked myself away and just did what I needed to do to survive that day.
At one point my mum called, she could sense I was ready to stick the kids on ebay! the house looked like a suicide bomber had popped in for a brew! and I had just given up. ” Why don’t you come back to our’s for an hour?” I did and I wanted to but I also couldn’t be arsed. Mum sat in the garden with the kids and I polished her house as I needed to keep busy, do anything to stop my mind from thinking. I just cried. I wiped the tear’s, mum none the wiser (until she reads this) and got the kids and took them over to the field. They had a run round and again I lay on the field and cried! I must of looked like a right nut job!! but it had to come out. I was thinking, I could run away. Id wait for Paul to get home, get on my bike and just go. Id leave a note but Id just go. Would I come back? I’m not sure if I’m honest. I am at breaking point. When you hear about those mums that do those kind of things I do understand. Being a parent is bloody hard work. There was a tragic incident a few years back where a mother committed suicide in an awful way. She told her hubby and kids she was off to the shop, but she never returned and she killed herself. If only I had seen her that day, maybe made her a cuppa and just listened that could of helped? I get it. That is exactly how I felt on Friday. Ready to leave. Does that make me a terrible mother?? I don’t know. But at least I’m being honest.
That night, my mum text asking if I was ok? instead of just saying “yep” I thought I’d tell her the truth. “No, I’ve cried all day, and I just can’t be a mum for much longer” Within seconds mum rang and I couldn’t talk for tears! she flew down, gave me a fat hug and just listened. She was great. I’m lucky enough to have a mum that gives a shit and is alive and well. This made me think, I want my kids to phone me when they feel blue and I can be there. I must keep fighting and not run away.
Because I opened up and asked for help, I got it. In fact I got more than that! I got a cooked breakfast out with my lovely dad. We went for a walk after, just took our time and had a gab about life. Dad’s are the best and they have their own roles. Mum does the tears and wiping the snot off my face! and dad does the pat on the back, breakfast and a squeeze of the hand. This is code for ” I love you kid”. The day after my amazing mother in law took my youngest for the whole day and night! what a star. Me and my sister in law went to a free festival in Liverpool. We just mainly drank cider, ate food and danced but it was like medicine for me. It just reminded me of the Kate I feel good about.
Thank’s for putting up with me! Let’s hope it is a good week.