Ok So today, I’ve woke up and it’s black, I’ve got no energy to smile and even picking up my pen to write this week’s blog note’s is tough. But it’s a Thursday morning, and I’ve made a promise to myself to always talk or write and I owe it to you lot to be honest and write about my feelings and how someone that is professionally trained deal’s with “it”.
Today I don’t want to be a mum. But today I look a normal happy and healthy person. So what does someone with depression look like? And what is normal? I’m in my usual colourful clothes, with a green head scarf in my hair and bright pink Lippy on to brighten my day and cheer up my mush!! I’ve got a coffee in my hand and smooth FM on. Sounds good right? I look good, well dressed and got my slap on! I don’t look “depressed” but hey, don’t be to quick to judge a book by its cover. Remember that broken head I told you about? That’s it.
Being a mum I love! I don’t care about the dirt, paint, play-doh, cars or loud music. It’s all part of the fun right?! Not just for them but for me. I constantly have kids here. Making den’s, eating sweets and I love it and it fill’s my day’s. I honestly think I’ve been put on this earth to be a mum. BUT (and it’s a big but) days like today I find sooooooo hard. My daughter does nothing but scream,sing,shout,talk,climb and jump. She’s a ball of fire and filled with personality and I’m so glad she is. It shows me she’s alive and living, but today I can’t handle it. I want to lock myself away and hide my head under my big purple cushions!! My son is nine. He’s at another level, we have attitude, eye rolling, “mum can I have 20p every five minutes”, I hate you, I love you, what are we doing today? But also he is incredibly clever, amazing with words, totally handsome and my best friend! I’m not ungrateful, I know how lucky I am. You don’t need to tell me that. I also don’t need people to say ” so what’s up then?” It’s nothing personal! It’s not a reaction to anything it’s just there. It’s tough to explain hey! But all I can do is grab it by the balls! Take control and wear Pink Lippy!! So ok today I won’t be smiling like the Cheshire Cat but the most important thing is to face life and do it anyway. I’ve cranked the music up, threw my Lippy on, stuck washing on the line, made a lovely coffee, told Fred how I feel and asked him to give me a high five every 30 minutes!!
I’m getting out in the garden and painting my nails!! You’re probably gutted reading this thinking I was going to give you the magic recipe to being cured! Soz! There is none. You’ve got to just get up, get out and pop on your Lippy! This wasn’t my planned blog for this week, but I thought it was important to share and be honest. I always write my blog out in the week, in my blue flowery pad so that will all follow next week ok?
My urges for Self harming today have been high. I get a prickly feeling in my arms, but will it help me feel better??? Well actually yes, but for only 5 minutes. What’s the point? I need to feel better for the rest of the day and my life. So no, it won’t help at all. I’d only be left feeling guilty, sad, disappointed, Shame and sadness. There is no magic wand with Depression and any mental health unfortunately. You have to Fight, you have to move, you have to share and talk, and you have to do things that you feel comfortable with. Look after yourself, please don’t hide away because trust me it doesn’t work, it only makes things worse.
Thank’s for listening, don’t judge a book by its cover, and always wear pink Lippy!