I can’t wait!…..To have anxiety

Thank you for coming back!

So lets dive straight in there and begin with my biggest enemy, “Anxiety”.  Last week’s anxiety was on on top form!! It popped in everyday and stayed with me, and why? Well that’s because I had a big family event coming up.  We had a family wedding in Llandudno,  because I was really looking forward to it and I knew it would be filled with my family that I can have a laugh with, relax with and all the kids can meet up. I didn’t want to miss it.  And why would I miss it? Well, because I might get ill.  I might get a bug, Virus, cough, cold, earache, toothache,headache or my arse might accidentally fall off!!! OR one of the kids might get ill or my husband.  So before an event is approaching I get anxious, but the week building up to the event I am shaking, sweating, I cant sleep, I close myself away from people just in case they have one of the above, If I see on Facebook that there is a vomiting bug going around I automatically panic and think I will get it etc etc.  Is it the being sick part I don’t like? No.  It is the feeling ill I don’t like.  But who does? well nobody, but I go into myself.  I am very quiet, snappy, I shake and my intense feelings of self-harm come back. I just don’t like not being in control of my own body.  It scares me.  That is why I eat well and exercise,  I can stay in control of my body by doing those two things, that means I will have a healthy body. Make sense? No it doesn’t to me either, I am a bloody barn pot!! So the week building up to the wedding, all I did was drink water, eat fruit and healthy meals. The night before was like Christmas eve ( and yes I am like this then to!) My tummy was all churned up, I had to keep busy all day with jobs in the house and try my hardest to put it to one side.  I didn’t sleep a wink that night, but I had done it.  I had reached the wedding day and I was well. But exhausted with anxiety, drained with worry and pissed off the fact that again I had wasted a couple of weeks of my life on anxiety again and it hadn’t even happen.  It was wasted energy.

The wedding was fantastic, the sun was out all day without a cloud in the sky, the kid’s where so well behaved and I felt nice in what I had on.  It all ran smoothly.  I have to stop this, It is just draining.  But then how will I be when I am ill? because I have made such a big deal out of this “getting ill” business I am doubling my anxiety and storing it away without even realizing it.  I am like this for birthday’s, parties, Christmas’s and day’s/nights out with friends. So that is a lot isn’t it.  Please stop, I am begging you.

Anybody else suffer with anxiety that controls your life? I would love to hear from you.  I do everything on myself that I do with my client’s.  And believe it or not it does work.  I am talking, I am not self-harming and have no intentions what-so-ever of committing suicide.  I am not letting the anxiety win and take away everything positive and good in my life.  Because this is what I need to remember and everybody else that is struggling.  There is more good stuff than bad stuff,  these strong feelings of “what if’s” are just feelings.  They are not fact’s and finally, we are in control, we are always in control.  The human body will get ill but we need to have faith,  it know’s what it is doing and how it needs to repair.

Thank you for listening to my jumbled up thoughts

Kate

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Kate’s Heart and Kate’s Brain

Hi all,

apologies for the day late blog! If I’m honest I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do it last night.  Wrong of me I know, as I had plenty of text’s, e-mails and Facebook messages asking where it was, so I apologise to you all.

So my week has been a funny old one, my anxiety has been really quite bad and it seems to be worse of an evening.  Shaking, twitching legs and just very irritable.  I was out walking the other day on my own and I remember just feeling scared of my own thoughts, It is like Kate’s heart and Kate’s brain are two different things, (well I know they are but you know what I mean!)  My head is telling me, I’m pathetic, get a grip, you need to kill yourself, you need to cut yourself, walk out in-front of that car.  This may seem a bit brutally honest for some people to handle so I’m sorry, but you are reading the wrong blog! My heart is saying, you are ok, breath deeply, make yourself a sugary cup of tea and grab a Jaffa cake!,  tell a friend, phone my mum or dad, text your brother, go for a walk or run, the list goes on, the funny thing is I don’t do any of those things and I really want to but its hard to actually voice my thoughts. My dark thoughts scare me,  I can honestly say I don’t often have a clear mind and I cant remember the last time I did.  Will it always be like this? Or will I just continue to look after myself and build this strong wall in my mind that crumbles from time to time.

We can never say never I know that but I can honestly say I will never act on the dark thought’s.  I have a family that needs me, loves me and wants me and I want to be here for them and look after them but sometimes I need looking after?  I haven’t cut myself now for a number of years and I am so proud of that.  I have found new ways to release that feeling:

  1. Writing
  2. Coloring
  3. Talking
  4. excersize

For me these honestly do work, so why not give it a go? Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.  Don’t ever be ashamed of your feeling’s,  stop comparing yourself to others and learn to except the person you are. As daft as it may sound it isn’t all about how you look, I have lost 5 stone.  I started in October 2012 and 10 months later I was 5 stone lighter.  But at the slimmest I’ve ever been I’ve never felt so  paranoid, uncomfortable and open for people to talk about my body!! not me at all.  I love a laugh! Id rather be the chubby bird that gets her baps out and does the stuff that others wont! but being super slim I just felt like I couldn’t do that.  I felt totally exposed.  I thought once I’ve lost all this weight I will be cured! I’ll be happy.  Wrong.  It doesn’t work like that.  It doesn’t matter how much money we have, what car you have etc etc if you are not happy in the mind and content with yourself you are fighting a loosing battle.  Work on your mind, Grab a Pen and paper

  • What is it you are not happy about?
  • Is it something to do with you or your life?
  • If it’s you then what? can it be worked on?
  • If it’s life what exactly is it? and if you are not sure, Just write down what is annoying you at present or upsetting you.
  • Write a problem list down but make it small, don’t overwhelm yourself.
  • Goal list.  What would you love to happen in 3 months?
  • Take control,  don’t keep passing the blame to other’s.  Yes others may have added to how you feel but we have the choice as people to get the outcome we desire.  It is possible. If you want it.

I shall keep on plodding on this week, I will always be wearing that smile! I am hardly ever without it, I love to laugh and be with people all the time but just remember that people that smile all the time also struggle.  Super fit and healthy people have heart attacks and super happy people get depression.  It is what it is.

Thanks for being so ace!

Kate

xxx

The F word

Hello!

Happy Monday!

I hope everybody’s week has gone ok? if not do share.  My week has been up and down.  I still haven’t felt 100% but compared to the other week I feel a lot better and I’ve had no anxiety attacks or dark thoughts so that is great.  Why is that? well I have been keeping busy and the kids went back to school, which for me was a biggy! I need routine in my life.  And I don’t mean in a OCD way I just like it when everything is back to normal, kids in school, meeting up with mum friends and getting out and about.

This week I have been toying with what to write for my blog, in fact I kind of new what to write about straight away but would people judge me? ridicule me or think less of me maybe? but I have always said I would write the truth and be honest not just for myself but for you lovey lot that read this.  Well on Tuesday I found out that I had failed my final year.  Devastated, totally and utterly gutted.  I was so sure I had passed.  I was pleased with my final written assignment, it had been proof read by my tutor and even she said it was great, so off it went. I’ve waited four months for these results and on Tuesday I got the call to say unfortunately is wasn’t a pass.  Gutted doesn’t come close.  I cried and cried and cried, I had a face like a melted welly!!! I am yet to meet with my tutor but I am going to appeal and take it from there.  I am still a fully qualified Therapist don’t panic! and I can go out and work and apply for jobs but this was the one I really wanted, and what I feel so angry about is I know the subject inside out.  I love it.  But because I struggle sometimes putting it down on paper in a structured way I failed.  Imagine someone coming to you and saying “oh we’ve just found out you don’t have this piece of paper, so stop what you are doing now please” That is how it feels for me.  So after the tears stopped I suppose I just felt fed up and a failure.

Today one of my good friends Vikky popped in for a cuppa, and I’m really glad she did.  Let me put you in the picture.  She’s in her early 30’s and has a lovely little girl.  After her daughter was born her bump just wasn’t disappearing.  I put it down to, because shes so toned and slim ( she’s a cow you’ll hate her!!!!!) and because of her physic it was just muscle.  Anyway, cut a long story short it wasn’t that at all.  She has a very yukky liver condition and that bump wasn’t muscle, it is her liver.  she has been poked and prodded ever since and there isn’t an awful lot they can do at the moment.  Anyway, whilst she was here today drinking coffee her mobile rang, it was her GP. He told Vik’s, that the CT scan she had, they’d found a Aneurysm on her brain ( a small bleed) just another pile of shit to throw her way.  She had a cracking cry ( she could win an Oscar that girl!!) and then we had a laugh! and then another cry and a talk.

My point is, me failing my final year is crap.  But I can pick up a pen, deal with it and do it again.  It’s not that easy for Vikky.  She’d love nothing more than to pick up a pen, sort it out and then boom it’s done.  Me failing is not stupid, a sign of weakness or embarrassing, it is life.  Failing is when you let something beat you.  I’m not going to let this beat me, just like Vikky isn’t going to let this beat her.  We are better than that.  Everybody is.  I am a boss person! and I’m bloody good at my job too, I get people, I am good with people and I have a huge passion for mental health.  Is that something you can learn in University? Nope.

One thing I do with my clients is I draw a circle.  In that circle we put in everything that they are, and is a part of them.  The circle represents them as a whole.  In my circle there would be, mum, wife, friend,therapist, gardener,exercise nut, home owner and many more.  If one of those things goes wrong or not to plan, does that mean your whole self has been ruined? No, not at all.  It’s just one thing, and if you take a step back and look at what has happened and what you can do then that is great.  There is no such thing as a failure and I hate that word.  I am not a failure I just tripped over the stumbling blocks.  What is the difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones? nothing, it just depends on how you use them.

So I am climbing over the stumbling blocks, and walking over the stepping stone’s.  I want this more than anything and I will carry on until I get it.

So just remember:

“You may be disappointed If you fail, but you’ll be doomed if you don’t try”

Lot’s of love.

Kate

Give yourself a break

There is nothing I like more than when I’m sitting and writing.  Weather it be because I am struggling or maybe I just fancy writing.  It is my release and I get the same feeling I do from writing as I did from self-harming.  It is my therapy! Peace, release and calm.  So my advice to you is start writing, everyday, weekly or just once a month, whatever.  Just do it.

First of all Id like to tell you about my week.  After my last blog “Maybe a bit too truthful” I was sent lot’s of e-mails, text’s, direct messages and stopped my parents at school thanking me for my honesty.  Everybody could relate to how I was feeling but yet I still suffered on my own and they probably will do to, because its easier to do so?  Nobody will be that bothered? of course they will and that is what I have learnt this week.  People actually do care, It is my thoughts that are stopping me.  One of the mum’s I struggle with most is my mother-in-law (I hate that title, it makes her sound like a witch but she’s far from it) Margy.  This lady is amazing, almost super human.  She is one of those mother’s you look at and she’s just gliding through with a smile on her face, never fazed or stressed.  What is her magic recipe? how does she do it? or is it the Valium she has for breakfast?! JOKE!! I am a paranoid freak when I am on mother duties around her sometime’s,  but just because I want a slice of what she has and I really mean that,  I want her to like and accept me as a mum.  I hate my head, I torture myself constantly, Marg definitely thinks I’m a crap mum, Marg wouldn’t of dealt with the situation like that, she wouldn’t of spoke to her kids like that,  she most certainly has never lost her rag or cried so much she can’t see out of her eye’s.  God Kate give yourself a break girl and just ask her.  Should I ask her? I did.  ” I feel like you don’t understand me or have never felt the way I do”  Maybe I was wrong saying that, but I had to know.  Well I am glad I did say something because Marg opened up about when she was a mum to 3 small kid’s and the hard time’s she had and the feeling of loneliness and just wanting to leave them with her parents.  I could see the struggle in her face, like it was only an hour or so ago! her eye’s filled with tear’s but it was a really good honest conversation.  I felt almost “normal”. The superhero did crack as a mum! it was good to talk, mum to mum, friend to friend. There is no such thing as a perfect mum or dad.  That is one thing I have learnt this week, with all the parents smiling at the school gates as their little darlings walk slowly in with face’s that look like melting candles! Parent’s feeling free again, getting their routine’s back and sharing stories of the attitudes and struggles over the holidays.  I am not alone and that feel’s good.

One friend that I have not spoke to properly in a long time phoned me.  She rang and shared a story about when her son was little and the massive struggle’s she had.  She could relate to me! I knew when she said “phone me anytime” I could phone her anytime.  This lady though is a massive ray of sunshine and is always smiling with a great personality, so to hear this I was really shocked.  But aren’t you when you read this about me? I am always smiling, laughing, I’m super confident and will talk to absolutely anybody but I struggle big time.  So don’t judge a book by it’s cover.  I’m not saying that I am being fake when I am laughing etc but just be aware of the people that are always laughing, happy and doing lots for other’s, they need a bit of TLC too and may be struggling more than you think.

A few people I have been talking to, seem to be a little confused as to why I still struggle.  I’m on medication, a therapist and a blogger on mental health.  But look,  I am also human, I have feelings and I cant choose what I am dealt with.  But doing what I do help’s me look after myself.  I have become my own teacher and I know what works and what doesn’t work.  I am back on track today, and my daughter start’s Pre-School on Wednesday so that’ll be another step forward for me.  I’ll continue to work on myself on a daily basis and not worry about next week, or the week after.  Just crack on with today and embrace the life I have.

Thanks all.

Kate