There is nothing I like more than when I’m sitting and writing. Weather it be because I am struggling or maybe I just fancy writing. It is my release and I get the same feeling I do from writing as I did from self-harming. It is my therapy! Peace, release and calm. So my advice to you is start writing, everyday, weekly or just once a month, whatever. Just do it.
First of all Id like to tell you about my week. After my last blog “Maybe a bit too truthful” I was sent lot’s of e-mails, text’s, direct messages and stopped my parents at school thanking me for my honesty. Everybody could relate to how I was feeling but yet I still suffered on my own and they probably will do to, because its easier to do so? Nobody will be that bothered? of course they will and that is what I have learnt this week. People actually do care, It is my thoughts that are stopping me. One of the mum’s I struggle with most is my mother-in-law (I hate that title, it makes her sound like a witch but she’s far from it) Margy. This lady is amazing, almost super human. She is one of those mother’s you look at and she’s just gliding through with a smile on her face, never fazed or stressed. What is her magic recipe? how does she do it? or is it the Valium she has for breakfast?! JOKE!! I am a paranoid freak when I am on mother duties around her sometime’s, but just because I want a slice of what she has and I really mean that, I want her to like and accept me as a mum. I hate my head, I torture myself constantly, Marg definitely thinks I’m a crap mum, Marg wouldn’t of dealt with the situation like that, she wouldn’t of spoke to her kids like that, she most certainly has never lost her rag or cried so much she can’t see out of her eye’s. God Kate give yourself a break girl and just ask her. Should I ask her? I did. ” I feel like you don’t understand me or have never felt the way I do” Maybe I was wrong saying that, but I had to know. Well I am glad I did say something because Marg opened up about when she was a mum to 3 small kid’s and the hard time’s she had and the feeling of loneliness and just wanting to leave them with her parents. I could see the struggle in her face, like it was only an hour or so ago! her eye’s filled with tear’s but it was a really good honest conversation. I felt almost “normal”. The superhero did crack as a mum! it was good to talk, mum to mum, friend to friend. There is no such thing as a perfect mum or dad. That is one thing I have learnt this week, with all the parents smiling at the school gates as their little darlings walk slowly in with face’s that look like melting candles! Parent’s feeling free again, getting their routine’s back and sharing stories of the attitudes and struggles over the holidays. I am not alone and that feel’s good.
One friend that I have not spoke to properly in a long time phoned me. She rang and shared a story about when her son was little and the massive struggle’s she had. She could relate to me! I knew when she said “phone me anytime” I could phone her anytime. This lady though is a massive ray of sunshine and is always smiling with a great personality, so to hear this I was really shocked. But aren’t you when you read this about me? I am always smiling, laughing, I’m super confident and will talk to absolutely anybody but I struggle big time. So don’t judge a book by it’s cover. I’m not saying that I am being fake when I am laughing etc but just be aware of the people that are always laughing, happy and doing lots for other’s, they need a bit of TLC too and may be struggling more than you think.
A few people I have been talking to, seem to be a little confused as to why I still struggle. I’m on medication, a therapist and a blogger on mental health. But look, I am also human, I have feelings and I cant choose what I am dealt with. But doing what I do help’s me look after myself. I have become my own teacher and I know what works and what doesn’t work. I am back on track today, and my daughter start’s Pre-School on Wednesday so that’ll be another step forward for me. I’ll continue to work on myself on a daily basis and not worry about next week, or the week after. Just crack on with today and embrace the life I have.