The F word

Hello!

Happy Monday!

I hope everybody’s week has gone ok? if not do share.  My week has been up and down.  I still haven’t felt 100% but compared to the other week I feel a lot better and I’ve had no anxiety attacks or dark thoughts so that is great.  Why is that? well I have been keeping busy and the kids went back to school, which for me was a biggy! I need routine in my life.  And I don’t mean in a OCD way I just like it when everything is back to normal, kids in school, meeting up with mum friends and getting out and about.

This week I have been toying with what to write for my blog, in fact I kind of new what to write about straight away but would people judge me? ridicule me or think less of me maybe? but I have always said I would write the truth and be honest not just for myself but for you lovey lot that read this.  Well on Tuesday I found out that I had failed my final year.  Devastated, totally and utterly gutted.  I was so sure I had passed.  I was pleased with my final written assignment, it had been proof read by my tutor and even she said it was great, so off it went. I’ve waited four months for these results and on Tuesday I got the call to say unfortunately is wasn’t a pass.  Gutted doesn’t come close.  I cried and cried and cried, I had a face like a melted welly!!! I am yet to meet with my tutor but I am going to appeal and take it from there.  I am still a fully qualified Therapist don’t panic! and I can go out and work and apply for jobs but this was the one I really wanted, and what I feel so angry about is I know the subject inside out.  I love it.  But because I struggle sometimes putting it down on paper in a structured way I failed.  Imagine someone coming to you and saying “oh we’ve just found out you don’t have this piece of paper, so stop what you are doing now please” That is how it feels for me.  So after the tears stopped I suppose I just felt fed up and a failure.

Today one of my good friends Vikky popped in for a cuppa, and I’m really glad she did.  Let me put you in the picture.  She’s in her early 30’s and has a lovely little girl.  After her daughter was born her bump just wasn’t disappearing.  I put it down to, because shes so toned and slim ( she’s a cow you’ll hate her!!!!!) and because of her physic it was just muscle.  Anyway, cut a long story short it wasn’t that at all.  She has a very yukky liver condition and that bump wasn’t muscle, it is her liver.  she has been poked and prodded ever since and there isn’t an awful lot they can do at the moment.  Anyway, whilst she was here today drinking coffee her mobile rang, it was her GP. He told Vik’s, that the CT scan she had, they’d found a Aneurysm on her brain ( a small bleed) just another pile of shit to throw her way.  She had a cracking cry ( she could win an Oscar that girl!!) and then we had a laugh! and then another cry and a talk.

My point is, me failing my final year is crap.  But I can pick up a pen, deal with it and do it again.  It’s not that easy for Vikky.  She’d love nothing more than to pick up a pen, sort it out and then boom it’s done.  Me failing is not stupid, a sign of weakness or embarrassing, it is life.  Failing is when you let something beat you.  I’m not going to let this beat me, just like Vikky isn’t going to let this beat her.  We are better than that.  Everybody is.  I am a boss person! and I’m bloody good at my job too, I get people, I am good with people and I have a huge passion for mental health.  Is that something you can learn in University? Nope.

One thing I do with my clients is I draw a circle.  In that circle we put in everything that they are, and is a part of them.  The circle represents them as a whole.  In my circle there would be, mum, wife, friend,therapist, gardener,exercise nut, home owner and many more.  If one of those things goes wrong or not to plan, does that mean your whole self has been ruined? No, not at all.  It’s just one thing, and if you take a step back and look at what has happened and what you can do then that is great.  There is no such thing as a failure and I hate that word.  I am not a failure I just tripped over the stumbling blocks.  What is the difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones? nothing, it just depends on how you use them.

So I am climbing over the stumbling blocks, and walking over the stepping stone’s.  I want this more than anything and I will carry on until I get it.

So just remember:

“You may be disappointed If you fail, but you’ll be doomed if you don’t try”

Lot’s of love.

Kate

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