apologies for the day late blog! If I’m honest I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do it last night. Wrong of me I know, as I had plenty of text’s, e-mails and Facebook messages asking where it was, so I apologise to you all.
So my week has been a funny old one, my anxiety has been really quite bad and it seems to be worse of an evening. Shaking, twitching legs and just very irritable. I was out walking the other day on my own and I remember just feeling scared of my own thoughts, It is like Kate’s heart and Kate’s brain are two different things, (well I know they are but you know what I mean!) My head is telling me, I’m pathetic, get a grip, you need to kill yourself, you need to cut yourself, walk out in-front of that car. This may seem a bit brutally honest for some people to handle so I’m sorry, but you are reading the wrong blog! My heart is saying, you are ok, breath deeply, make yourself a sugary cup of tea and grab a Jaffa cake!, tell a friend, phone my mum or dad, text your brother, go for a walk or run, the list goes on, the funny thing is I don’t do any of those things and I really want to but its hard to actually voice my thoughts. My dark thoughts scare me, I can honestly say I don’t often have a clear mind and I cant remember the last time I did. Will it always be like this? Or will I just continue to look after myself and build this strong wall in my mind that crumbles from time to time.
We can never say never I know that but I can honestly say I will never act on the dark thought’s. I have a family that needs me, loves me and wants me and I want to be here for them and look after them but sometimes I need looking after? I haven’t cut myself now for a number of years and I am so proud of that. I have found new ways to release that feeling:
For me these honestly do work, so why not give it a go? Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Don’t ever be ashamed of your feeling’s, stop comparing yourself to others and learn to except the person you are. As daft as it may sound it isn’t all about how you look, I have lost 5 stone. I started in October 2012 and 10 months later I was 5 stone lighter. But at the slimmest I’ve ever been I’ve never felt so paranoid, uncomfortable and open for people to talk about my body!! not me at all. I love a laugh! Id rather be the chubby bird that gets her baps out and does the stuff that others wont! but being super slim I just felt like I couldn’t do that. I felt totally exposed. I thought once I’ve lost all this weight I will be cured! I’ll be happy. Wrong. It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t matter how much money we have, what car you have etc etc if you are not happy in the mind and content with yourself you are fighting a loosing battle. Work on your mind, Grab a Pen and paper
- What is it you are not happy about?
- Is it something to do with you or your life?
- If it’s you then what? can it be worked on?
- If it’s life what exactly is it? and if you are not sure, Just write down what is annoying you at present or upsetting you.
- Write a problem list down but make it small, don’t overwhelm yourself.
- Goal list. What would you love to happen in 3 months?
- Take control, don’t keep passing the blame to other’s. Yes others may have added to how you feel but we have the choice as people to get the outcome we desire. It is possible. If you want it.
I shall keep on plodding on this week, I will always be wearing that smile! I am hardly ever without it, I love to laugh and be with people all the time but just remember that people that smile all the time also struggle. Super fit and healthy people have heart attacks and super happy people get depression. It is what it is.
Thanks for being so ace!