I can’t wait!…..To have anxiety

Thank you for coming back!

So lets dive straight in there and begin with my biggest enemy, “Anxiety”.  Last week’s anxiety was on on top form!! It popped in everyday and stayed with me, and why? Well that’s because I had a big family event coming up.  We had a family wedding in Llandudno,  because I was really looking forward to it and I knew it would be filled with my family that I can have a laugh with, relax with and all the kids can meet up. I didn’t want to miss it.  And why would I miss it? Well, because I might get ill.  I might get a bug, Virus, cough, cold, earache, toothache,headache or my arse might accidentally fall off!!! OR one of the kids might get ill or my husband.  So before an event is approaching I get anxious, but the week building up to the event I am shaking, sweating, I cant sleep, I close myself away from people just in case they have one of the above, If I see on Facebook that there is a vomiting bug going around I automatically panic and think I will get it etc etc.  Is it the being sick part I don’t like? No.  It is the feeling ill I don’t like.  But who does? well nobody, but I go into myself.  I am very quiet, snappy, I shake and my intense feelings of self-harm come back. I just don’t like not being in control of my own body.  It scares me.  That is why I eat well and exercise,  I can stay in control of my body by doing those two things, that means I will have a healthy body. Make sense? No it doesn’t to me either, I am a bloody barn pot!! So the week building up to the wedding, all I did was drink water, eat fruit and healthy meals. The night before was like Christmas eve ( and yes I am like this then to!) My tummy was all churned up, I had to keep busy all day with jobs in the house and try my hardest to put it to one side.  I didn’t sleep a wink that night, but I had done it.  I had reached the wedding day and I was well. But exhausted with anxiety, drained with worry and pissed off the fact that again I had wasted a couple of weeks of my life on anxiety again and it hadn’t even happen.  It was wasted energy.

The wedding was fantastic, the sun was out all day without a cloud in the sky, the kid’s where so well behaved and I felt nice in what I had on.  It all ran smoothly.  I have to stop this, It is just draining.  But then how will I be when I am ill? because I have made such a big deal out of this “getting ill” business I am doubling my anxiety and storing it away without even realizing it.  I am like this for birthday’s, parties, Christmas’s and day’s/nights out with friends. So that is a lot isn’t it.  Please stop, I am begging you.

Anybody else suffer with anxiety that controls your life? I would love to hear from you.  I do everything on myself that I do with my client’s.  And believe it or not it does work.  I am talking, I am not self-harming and have no intentions what-so-ever of committing suicide.  I am not letting the anxiety win and take away everything positive and good in my life.  Because this is what I need to remember and everybody else that is struggling.  There is more good stuff than bad stuff,  these strong feelings of “what if’s” are just feelings.  They are not fact’s and finally, we are in control, we are always in control.  The human body will get ill but we need to have faith,  it know’s what it is doing and how it needs to repair.

Thank you for listening to my jumbled up thoughts

Kate

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