Honesty

Hello again,

Thank you again for coming back it means a lot to little old me! So I’ve been writing these blogs now for 14 weeks! and the response I’ve had, has been incredible.  It is being read all around the world, from Canada to Cyprus and Australia to Sweden plus many more.  I’m “buzzin” as we’d say at home! so thank you.  I was asked the other day, why do I think it has been so successful? I answered “honesty”.  Honesty is one of the hardest things to be, do, say and act out.  And when I say honesty I mean by using it in the right positive context.  If myself and other people are struggling with mental health, open up and voice it.  You’ll be surprised.  When I started this blog I was a nervous wreck. Should I say that or shouldn’t I? Should I talk about how I still get urges to cut myself or shouldn’t I? Should I mention the thoughts of never wanting to wake up again or shouldn’t I? excuse my language but “Fuck it” just do it.  I’m sure that who ever is reading this has one friend, a family member, boyfriend, girlfriend, neighbor, brother, sister or parent that will listen?  They will pop the kettle on and really listen. And if you haven’t, go and talk with your doctor.  If you are reading this because you are concerned about somebody that you know that you think may be depressed or suffering in some way and you are not sure how to deal with the situation, you need to be there.  You must acknowledge that you have noticed a change in the person’s mood and that you would love to listen over a coffee! You may find it hard to even say just that,  but if you feel like that imagine how that person feel’s.  I am still not brilliant at voicing how I feel but I am a hell of a lot better than what I was ten years ago. I will still every now and then when somebody asks me if I am ok, I’ll reply with “I’m Just tired” or “Yes fine” with a huge grin on my face!!  It is sometimes easier but inside I’m dying to just say “No actually, I’m a big pile of shite, and I would like to chuck myself in front of the nearest bus today and I don’t care what you think!” But I am getting a lot better now, I will say “I’m ok, just having a down day” so I don’t have to go into great detail but that person know’s that if I am quiet, seem moody or I am not really arsed what you are saying to me! (no offence) they don’t need to take it personally they just know.  So I started this week feeling pissed off with myself and fed up with my head.  It’s tiring living with me and being me and that’s the truth, my family will tell you that! but after last weeks family wedding and I was well, I began to worry about the next thing, the next “what if” I cant actually remember what It was now, it was obviously that important!! But I had a bit of a telling off moment with myself! And I literally said out loud “Kate shut your fucking mouth!!” believe in yourself, except yourself, if you are not happy then change it and more importantly stop comparing yourself.  Comparing is one of my biggest bug bearers, I’m not as slim as her, pretty as her, confident as them, haven’t got a house like you or I’m not “successful” like you.  So anyway, I gave myself a telling off and began to make a few small changes.  I downloaded the DVLA app on my phone and have began to revise for my theory test which I will book at the end of the month, I went back to a slimming class as I have put a bit of weight back on (not a lot but enough where my top button is becoming an issue!) and I have stuck to that and I can feel the difference. I have dug out my Mindfulness book and I’m reading a small bit each day and trying my hardest to live in the moment,  not in the past, not in the future but right here right now on this Monday afternoon.  I’m sat writing this, listening to Radio 2, drinking coffee and feeling grateful for being warm and meeting friends tonight to go boxing.  It’s hard work this Mindfulness stuff but It is really good and I would advice it to anybody.  There is a great little green book called “Mindfulness Pocketbook” little exercises for a calmer life by Gill Hasson.  Give it a whirl, you’ve got nothing to loose. And all these people that say that they just don’t have time, bollocks.  Make time.  If it is important you have to make the time.
So I have been thinking, who would be up for a weekly walking group? bring the kid’s, dog’s whatever.  It is for anyone that is suffering with mental health. It is a chance to be part of a non-judgmental group of people that are all in the same boat,  we can talk, walk and end with a coffee.  It’d be a Sunday.  Let me know what you think.  E-mail, text, Facebook me or strap a note to a pigeon.  Just get in touch and let me know what you think.

Thank you so much for being fabulous!

Kate xxxx

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