Thanks for popping in on this horrid wet and windy Monday! I don’t think we have had one dry day in about 3 weeks? fabulous! so lets get to the nitty gritty, as you know I had a terrible week last week. I’d stopped my medication, my depression had come back to say hello as well as my anxiety and to top it off I self-harmed and felt utter crap. But the positive that I will take out of that week is, I spoke up. I spoke up, I made my voice me heard and I went straight to my doctor who got the ball rolling on new medication, a mental health diagnosis and gave me the time to talk without judgement, he just listened. Ok I’m back on track, my new medication has kicked in, I am trying to take each day at a time and not worry about the next day or even that evening, but just take it in my stride. I am experiencing some side effect’s, such as anxiety of an evening and jumpy twitching legs as soon as I get in to bed, I can’t control it but as soon as I nod off it stops and doesn’t wake me up so that’s good. The anxiety I can manage because I’m not having an attack so it’s just a case of keeping busy, but and it’s a big but, If I get the taste of metal in my mouth I know that’s the start of an attack which I hate with a passion an they terrify me. I had one last night, nothing had happened for me to be anxious about it just happened. It drains you afterwards when you come out of it and I went into a bit of a daze and we headed up to bed, light on the new Adele album playing and definitely the worlds best hubby and best mate anyone could ask for. He was asking me loads of questions, why do you feel anxious? what are you worrying about? what are you thinking about? the answer was nothing. Nothing to all of them, but the fear of having an anxiety attack. So basically I’m anxious about getting anxious and I panic about panicking! bloody ridiculous I know but I do what I can. God it’s exhausting at the moment but I’m getting there. One of the things I think doesn’t help my anxiety and depression but there is nothing I can do about it and I don’t want to do anything about it is motherhood. Oh my god, one of the hardest things I have ever done in my whole entire life and I’ve been doing it for nearly ten years now. I started at the grand old age of 21! and as hard, lonely and scary as that was I honestly wouldn’t change that. I’m 30 now and I’m slowly beginning to get my life back because yes I do feel like I lost my life when I had the kids. But you have to believe me when I say, I’m still glad I did it. F&P gave me a new door to open, fun, new friends, a chance to be a daft and embarrass them and friendship. We are good friends and we have respect for one another. But I also don’t know how I haven’t lost my shit and been locked up on a mental ward.
I’m not joking! I really could of just ran away sometimes and never come back. Does anyone else ever feel like that? they must do. So anyway, what have I done to stay in control of my mood this week?
- I’ve put a splash of purple in my hair!
- Made sure I take my medication every morning and evening.
- Getting good nights sleep
- keeping busy
- Bought myself a new book
- started yoga
- trying not to compare myself to others “I am Kate”