Happy Mondays

Hello!

Thanks for popping in on this horrid wet and windy Monday! I don’t think we have had one dry day in about 3 weeks? fabulous! so lets get to the nitty gritty, as you know I had a terrible week last week.  I’d stopped my medication, my depression had come back to say hello as well as my anxiety and to top it off I self-harmed and felt utter crap.  But the positive that I will take out of that week is, I spoke up.  I spoke up, I made my voice me heard and I went straight to my doctor who got the ball rolling on new medication, a mental health diagnosis and gave me the time to talk without judgement, he just listened.  Ok I’m back on track, my new medication has kicked in,  I am trying to take each day at a time and not worry about the next day or even that evening, but just take it in my stride.  I am experiencing some side effect’s,  such as anxiety of an evening and jumpy twitching legs as soon as I get in to bed, I can’t control it but as soon as I nod off it stops and doesn’t wake me up so that’s good.  The anxiety I can manage because I’m not having an attack so it’s just a case of keeping busy, but and it’s a big but, If I get the taste of metal in my mouth I know that’s the start of an attack which I hate with a passion an they terrify me.  I had one last night, nothing had happened for me to be anxious about it just happened.  It drains you afterwards when you come out of it and I went into a bit of a daze and we headed up to bed, light on the new Adele album playing and definitely the worlds best hubby and best mate anyone could ask for.  He was asking me loads of questions, why do you feel anxious? what are you worrying about? what are you thinking about? the answer was nothing.  Nothing to all of them, but the fear of having an anxiety attack.  So basically I’m anxious about getting anxious and I panic about panicking! bloody ridiculous I know but I do what I can.  God it’s exhausting at the moment but I’m getting there.  One of the things I think doesn’t help my anxiety and depression but there is nothing I can do about it and I don’t want to do anything about it is motherhood.  Oh my god, one of the hardest things I have ever done in my whole entire life and I’ve been doing it for nearly ten years now.  I started at the grand old age of 21! and as hard, lonely and scary as that was I honestly wouldn’t change that.  I’m 30 now and I’m slowly beginning to get my life back because yes I do feel like I lost my life when I had the kids.  But you have to believe me when I say, I’m still glad I did it.  F&P gave me a new door to open,  fun, new friends, a chance to be a daft and embarrass them and friendship.  We are good friends and we have respect for one another.  But I also don’t know how I haven’t lost my shit and been locked up on a mental ward.

I’m not joking! I really could of just ran away sometimes and never come back. Does anyone else ever feel like that? they must do.  So anyway, what have I done to stay in control of my mood this week?

  • I’ve put a splash of purple in my hair!
  • Made sure I take my medication every morning and evening.
  • Getting good nights sleep
  • keeping busy
  • Bought myself a new book
  • started yoga
  • trying not to compare myself to others “I am Kate”
Some lucky people can just wake up and go with the flow on a daily basis, if that’s you, I envy you! some day’s I can do that, for example if my hubby’s off work I can just go with the flow and see what the day brings but if I am home alone with the kids its plan, plan plan.  And that’s just the way it is and I’ve excepted that.  I hate with a passion the weekends, that is my super lonely time.  Everyone’s partners seem to be off, so they are off doing family things and enjoying the weekend.  I’m in the house with the kids and I hate it.   No clubs are on of a weekend and the dynamics just change.  So as soon as Monday come’s I’m happy! everywhere is busy again, people are working, the world just comes alive in the week.
Happy Monday everyone, have a great week and try and stay in control.
Mucho love.
Kate xxx

Purple hair and wishes

I have had the crappiest week depression wise.

drawing of depression

That is the only way I can describe it.  Nothing has happened, but I feel like I’ve just fallen out with Kate.  I don’t like her, I don’t like her mind and I don’t like how she look’s.  I don’t normally sink this low but with no medication I suppose it was going to happen.  I hate mirrors, I hate it when people say nice things about me and I hate the way feel.  Depression is a massive ball ache! So I went to the doctor’s.  My Doc is a superstar, I’ve seen him for years and he saw me through all my depression and troubles.  He just get’s me and how my mind works.  More than I do.  Anyway, we had a good chat, he told me off! and he told me I am Cyclothymic.  It is a chronic mood disorder but milder than bipolar. He had told me this once before but I didn’t believe him! “Yeh Yeh whatever doc”.  But from going to being great, loving life and wanting to dye my hair purple whilst eating a chocolate cake! to not giving a shit if I don’t ever wake up again, calling myself the most vile names and scratching, biting and burning my arms with a boiling hot spoon out of the kettle??? What’s that all about.  But I felt like I deserved it.  I deserved it because I have everything that most people wish they had.  My health, children, husband and a normal messy house with sod all in the fridge! I’m lucky. So why do I feel like this.  KATE YOU KNOW THIS!!!! you have a mood disorder, you need medication, your chemicals in your brain are out of order!!! It is not my fault.  But why do I feel it is? I cried so much that day.  I knew instantly after I had hurt myself I needed to tell someone and tell my doctor.  I told him, he didn’t shout.  He just acknowledged that it was a shame, but lets crack on.  So I’m cracking on! brand new medication that I have to take one in the morning and one every night.  I’m up to day three.  It’s going ok, but today I woke up and felt sad, lifeless and ugly.  No reason, I just felt.  But I have two kids that need feeding, sorting out for school and then work.  I find it really easy counselling people,  it gives me a lift and I amaze myself sometimes how positive and uplifting I can be for people which gives me a lift.  Maybe I am ok? who knows.  What do I wish? I wish I could one day look at myself and say I’m ok.  I wish I could see myself for the person people say I am, I wish I didn’t have to fight to get through each day, I wish I could just enjoy life 100% and I wish I didn’t have to “cope” every day with this bastard thing called mental health.  But the matter of it is, I do and I have to.  I need to learn to accept that.  And I think I have really because I wouldn’t be able to write this each week and not care who reads it, and also I wouldn’t be able to do the job I do and deal with the tragic problems and situations people have been in in their lives.  So how will I cope with this feeling? I’ll take my medication as I am told like a good girl! I will keep myself busy and try not to be alone with my own thoughts to much.  Thanks for listening to me waffle you lot, I’m not being my normal chirpy self but I Just don’t feel like it at the moment.  I’m only normal,  try telling someone with arthritis to go for a run.  Anyway, I shall crack on as should lot.

We live another day.

Me xxxx

purple hair

Kick the leaves and smile

Well this week has been slightly up and down!

I did the most stupidest thing that I should know better than anybody, I stopped my medication.  I didn’t wean myself off, I didn’t speak to my doctor I just stopped because I’m a mega tit! What where my reasons? Well I was feeling good, laughing a lot, taking life in my stride, I had a new nephew, I was doing a lot of baking for my sister in law, going boxing and just keeping busy.  So I stopped.  Day one, ok. I felt great and was plodding along.  Day two, I felt a little bit dizzy and I felt a bit tired and the same on day three and four, but by day 5 BOOM!! whats the point? This is when I know I’m on my slippery slope.  What’s the point in eating healthy? I’m a fat mess as it is.  What the point in working hard, Id get more money on benefits ( not how I think at all ) and the one that made me realize I had to go back to my doctor was I was at the end of boxing, we where stretching and cooling down.  I was made up Id pushed myself to go because the thoughts of self-harm where taking over, I was rubbing my arms like mad DYING to to something, but I didn’t.  So I felt good after apart from the one thought of “what is the point of going home, I’ve got nothing there worth while”.  I instantly knew how ridiculous this thought was.  Completely irrational, I’ve got two healthy annoying incredible children, A hubby that loves the bones off me and a house that I love and feel safe in.  But I didn’t feel it.  The only way I can describe the feeling is, imagine there was a million pounds in a steel box that as much as you tried you could never get too, but you knew it was there.  That’s how I felt.  You may think me as a terrible mother or wife for saying that but It can’t be helped.  It is what it is.  The feeling stayed put.  I am seeing my doctor tomorrow,  getting back on them and starting again.  I woke up today and decided to have a mindful day.  Not to worry about lunchtime, what’s for dinner, or what I will be doing next week, I shall live for today.  So I have, my next door neighbor is great and we have become really good friends, So she made me a cuppa and we had a natter and put the world to rights! I then met another friend that I haven’t seen for a long time, and then instead of doing washing or anything boring, myself and Phoebe bunged our wellies on and went on an adventure, kicked leaves and played pretend cafe’s in the park!! Sausage and mash in our “Caf” is £56.00!!! I’m certainly not the worlds best mum, but who is really? There’s no such thing.  But I try my best.  I have my meltdowns and sometimes I wish anyone would pick them up and offer to have them for a month! especially the girl one! my god its payback time.  We are all totally aware of what is going on in the world at the moment especially with what has happened this weekend in Paris.  That doesn’t do my anxiety any good at all but I think we are all singing from the same hymn sheet.  It’s scary, there is more of us than them.  Life is boss and needs to be treasured and enjoyed,  even the small things like kicking leaves in the park and making wands out of sticks!! So tomorrow I shall get back on the medication and carry on where I left off.  I am a good person and so are you.

look after yourselves and kick the leaves

Kate xxx

leaves

Colour your life fabulous!

Evening all!

So this weeks blog has been inspired by the incredible new addition to our family, my nephew Joe. I’m and auntie for the very first time and it feel’s amazing,  even more amazing that I can still sleep through the night and hand him back! It got me thinking about babies, they are not just babies.  They are a fresh new existence of life, a blank canvas waiting to be coloured in by a variety of colours.  They have no idea of love and hate, life and death, right and wrong or happy and sad.  It just is.  Just be is always the header of my blog, as I always ask clients when was the last time that they “Just be”? sat and enjoyed that coffee with a Jaffa cake, or chilled in the garden with a glass of something without a worry, problem, concern or thought of next week, month or even hour popping into their head?  Well this is the beauty of my little nephew and a million other babies and little ones.  They have no worries that they are aware of, all that they care about is warmth, food, water, sleep and feeling clean.  Very basic, but it makes sense.  It  Joe’s arrival has made me realize the importance of building one another as human beings, not knock one another down.  As someone clever clogs once said, “You should never look down on a person unless you are helping them up.” True. As children develop, they begin to learn, who they are, what they like and also what they don’t like and fears and anxiety’s begin to kick in then.  Fear’s of wasps, spiders, the dark or that old lady at the bottom of the road that stinks and looks like a witch on acid!!! ( my sons old fear in our old house when he was a little fella!) When I first began all my training,  I studied a Russian psychologist called Ivan Pavlov, he knocked around in the late 1890’s and it was him that loved studying the mind and came up with the “Salvation of the dogs”.  You may or not heard of it before but cutting a very long story short he realized that the dog was beginning to form associates before he was fed.  He knew that the man in the laboratory in the white coat always fed him, and when the man walked in the room the dog would salivate, before there was any sight of food.  Pavlov then introduced a bell, he would ring that bell before the man walked in the room to feed him and shortly the dog connected that bell with food and would salivate.  What I am getting at is, babies are a brand new canvas and are a sponge ready to soak in everything you show them, do, act like, say…..anything.  Joe will soon recognize the feeling of hunger, the smell of his mum for food and the feeling of safety when he hears certain voices.  Kid’s are ready to absorb, so if you show them love, right and wrong and a million of other things they will put their own twist on it!chilldren poem

kids love to laugh and I believe they learn a lot from laughing, so have fun with them!  If we show our kiddie’s and others negative traits, wrong attitudes, drag them down, don’t praise them etc they will absorb it eventually, I am not saying for a second that any of you readers are I am just highlighting the importance of lives and making them the best they can be.  So moving onto adulthood, what if someone is broken, damaged, hurting and battered and bruised emotionally, is it to late?  No, not at all.  It will take hard work from someone like me!  They will almost need to reset their mind, exactly like you would with a computer and begin again.  It is possible and I have done it before.  You have these people that can look broken or depressed.  They are pale, tired looking and can’t stop crying but don’t be fooled.  The people that are hurting the most, nine time’s out of ten are the ones with a smile on the face, out in the fresh air have their make-up on and are looking great.  Don’t be fooled by appearances.  So we need to deal with the bullshit in our heads and listen to the other bits of bullshit in are friends, neighbors or loved ones heads.  It is really and needs dealing with.

A little task for you, draw a circle and in that circle right in it everything you are.  Mother, father, auntie, uncle, friend, cousin, student, employee, artist, writer, dog owner and so on.  When one of these goes wrong, which it will its life cross it out in your circle.  Realize that its just that one part of you that has gone wrong, not everything.  Your “whole life” isn’t a mess.  It’s just that one thing that can be fixed.

Thanks for reading and supporting me.

Spread the word

Auntie Kate! x

STRESS

stess head

Hello der! (I said that in an Irish accent, my sister-in-law will be cringing because apparently it’s not very good!? )

Anyway, lets get started.  Thank you for you response so far to my blog I really do appreciate it.  This week I thought Id talk about stress, because let’s face it.  Life is hard at the moment for everybody. And stress can be brought on by anything. Money, kids, health, relationships, work, family the list goes on and on.  But either way we have all experienced stress at some point in our lives.  Some stress is good, as it drives us to complete certain tasks or jobs (such as launching everything behind the sofa in 5 seconds flat before the surprise guests walk in the front room) I’m not talking from experience honest! but then there is bad stress.  And what bad stress can do to us is quite scary and can be deadly if it is not monitored. Stress is almost always accompanied by symptoms of anxiety, tension, worry or nervousness such as muscle tension, trembling, cold sweats, panic type breathing, dizziness and butterflies in your tummy.  Stress is so important to address and deal with,  if you are feeling stressed at the moment which let’s face it who isn’t these days but, some of us can cope better than others and believe it or not I can deal with stress pretty easily.  Money, moving house, kid’s school events etc etc I can just get on with it and deal with it.  Take it in my stride.  It’s the anxiety that over powers me.  So what should you do if you are experiencing high levels of stress?

  • Write down exactly what the problem is
  • list five or six solutions to the problem
  • weigh up the good and bad points
  • Choose the solution that best fits your needs
  • Plan the steps that will help achieve the solution
  • Praise any efforts that you have taken to help solve these problems.

Some people like to eat, drink, smoke and take drugs to help relieve it and yes for a short while this will help, but the issue will still be there.  Take a look at this picture

stressed lady

Useful website http://www.stress.org.uk

What would Kate do?

  • Take control, it pisses me off when people say “Oh I haven’t got time” make time.  If you want something strongly then make the time, I don’t care if you are a bin man or a barrister you must make the time.  Time for friends, your kids, the gym, a walk, that cup of coffee you have been gasping for.  There is always time.  You just have to make it.
  • Get fit, got a few pounds to loose? get rid then.  Eat right. go walking.  Eating crappy foods can act as a depressant and make you feel sluggish which wont help with feeling stressed.
  • Talk with people.  If you are feeling totally overwhelmed with work even if you are the Alan sugar of your gaff, tell your team.  Share the work load out.  If you have more and more work coming your way, by all means take it on but be prepared to drop something else.  Work smarter not harder.
  • Have some time to yourself.  What do you love doing?
  • Avoid unhealthy habits, such as smoking, take-away’s, caffeine these will only add to the feeling of stress.  It will help you temporary but it wont help tackle the cause of your stress.
  • Accept the things you cant change. Changing a crappy situation isn’t always possible unfortunately.  If this proves to be the case then recognize this and accept.

One amazing dude I know and I wont name names was struggling big time this time last year. There was a number of things going on at the time but work was the big factor. This dude loved their job but the pressure had become to great.  So they shared how they felt with colleagues (which took ball’s) who where keen to help and they went to their GP and got some “anti-do-dah’s”!!

Just remember you are never alone.  Everyone is worrying about something, or has a little niggle on their mind or is juggling something that feels a little bit too much.  We are never alone, so tell someone you divvy! go for a game of golf, football, tennis, walk, coffee and a talk over a pint or posh coffee with one of those little biscuits! whatever you have to do, do it.  There is always time.

Love you long time!

Me xxx