Kick the leaves and smile

Well this week has been slightly up and down!

I did the most stupidest thing that I should know better than anybody, I stopped my medication.  I didn’t wean myself off, I didn’t speak to my doctor I just stopped because I’m a mega tit! What where my reasons? Well I was feeling good, laughing a lot, taking life in my stride, I had a new nephew, I was doing a lot of baking for my sister in law, going boxing and just keeping busy.  So I stopped.  Day one, ok. I felt great and was plodding along.  Day two, I felt a little bit dizzy and I felt a bit tired and the same on day three and four, but by day 5 BOOM!! whats the point? This is when I know I’m on my slippery slope.  What’s the point in eating healthy? I’m a fat mess as it is.  What the point in working hard, Id get more money on benefits ( not how I think at all ) and the one that made me realize I had to go back to my doctor was I was at the end of boxing, we where stretching and cooling down.  I was made up Id pushed myself to go because the thoughts of self-harm where taking over, I was rubbing my arms like mad DYING to to something, but I didn’t.  So I felt good after apart from the one thought of “what is the point of going home, I’ve got nothing there worth while”.  I instantly knew how ridiculous this thought was.  Completely irrational, I’ve got two healthy annoying incredible children, A hubby that loves the bones off me and a house that I love and feel safe in.  But I didn’t feel it.  The only way I can describe the feeling is, imagine there was a million pounds in a steel box that as much as you tried you could never get too, but you knew it was there.  That’s how I felt.  You may think me as a terrible mother or wife for saying that but It can’t be helped.  It is what it is.  The feeling stayed put.  I am seeing my doctor tomorrow,  getting back on them and starting again.  I woke up today and decided to have a mindful day.  Not to worry about lunchtime, what’s for dinner, or what I will be doing next week, I shall live for today.  So I have, my next door neighbor is great and we have become really good friends, So she made me a cuppa and we had a natter and put the world to rights! I then met another friend that I haven’t seen for a long time, and then instead of doing washing or anything boring, myself and Phoebe bunged our wellies on and went on an adventure, kicked leaves and played pretend cafe’s in the park!! Sausage and mash in our “Caf” is £56.00!!! I’m certainly not the worlds best mum, but who is really? There’s no such thing.  But I try my best.  I have my meltdowns and sometimes I wish anyone would pick them up and offer to have them for a month! especially the girl one! my god its payback time.  We are all totally aware of what is going on in the world at the moment especially with what has happened this weekend in Paris.  That doesn’t do my anxiety any good at all but I think we are all singing from the same hymn sheet.  It’s scary, there is more of us than them.  Life is boss and needs to be treasured and enjoyed,  even the small things like kicking leaves in the park and making wands out of sticks!! So tomorrow I shall get back on the medication and carry on where I left off.  I am a good person and so are you.

look after yourselves and kick the leaves

Kate xxx



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