Purple hair and wishes

I have had the crappiest week depression wise.

That is the only way I can describe it.  Nothing has happened, but I feel like I’ve just fallen out with Kate.  I don’t like her, I don’t like her mind and I don’t like how she look’s.  I don’t normally sink this low but with no medication I suppose it was going to happen.  I hate mirrors, I hate it when people say nice things about me and I hate the way feel.  Depression is a massive ball ache! So I went to the doctor’s.  My Doc is a superstar, I’ve seen him for years and he saw me through all my depression and troubles.  He just get’s me and how my mind works.  More than I do.  Anyway, we had a good chat, he told me off! and he told me I am Cyclothymic.  It is a chronic mood disorder but milder than bipolar. He had told me this once before but I didn’t believe him! “Yeh Yeh whatever doc”.  But from going to being great, loving life and wanting to dye my hair purple whilst eating a chocolate cake! to not giving a shit if I don’t ever wake up again, calling myself the most vile names and scratching, biting and burning my arms with a boiling hot spoon out of the kettle??? What’s that all about.  But I felt like I deserved it.  I deserved it because I have everything that most people wish they had.  My health, children, husband and a normal messy house with sod all in the fridge! I’m lucky. So why do I feel like this.  KATE YOU KNOW THIS!!!! you have a mood disorder, you need medication, your chemicals in your brain are out of order!!! It is not my fault.  But why do I feel it is? I cried so much that day.  I knew instantly after I had hurt myself I needed to tell someone and tell my doctor.  I told him, he didn’t shout.  He just acknowledged that it was a shame, but lets crack on.  So I’m cracking on! brand new medication that I have to take one in the morning and one every night.  I’m up to day three.  It’s going ok, but today I woke up and felt sad, lifeless and ugly.  No reason, I just felt.  But I have two kids that need feeding, sorting out for school and then work.  I find it really easy counselling people,  it gives me a lift and I amaze myself sometimes how positive and uplifting I can be for people which gives me a lift.  Maybe I am ok? who knows.  What do I wish? I wish I could one day look at myself and say I’m ok.  I wish I could see myself for the person people say I am, I wish I didn’t have to fight to get through each day, I wish I could just enjoy life 100% and I wish I didn’t have to “cope” every day with this bastard thing called mental health.  But the matter of it is, I do and I have to.  I need to learn to accept that.  And I think I have really because I wouldn’t be able to write this each week and not care who reads it, and also I wouldn’t be able to do the job I do and deal with the tragic problems and situations people have been in in their lives.  So how will I cope with this feeling? I’ll take my medication as I am told like a good girl! I will keep myself busy and try not to be alone with my own thoughts to much.  Thanks for listening to me waffle you lot, I’m not being my normal chirpy self but I Just don’t feel like it at the moment.  I’m only normal,  try telling someone with arthritis to go for a run.  Anyway, I shall crack on as should lot.

We live another day.

Me xxxx