Living and a New Year

Well…….are we all feeling a bit plump, full of booze and ready to clear the Christmas tree away? I am!! I’ve had a really good Christmas full of family, friends and food and all the days are muddled into one, but now I am ready to get back to normal, have a good clear out and hope spring comes along soon!

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So let’s cut to the chase, how have I been feeling? Still really good and in control,  I feel like I am living, I’m seeing life and using all my colours to colour in!  No silly thought’s, coping with the kids much better and I don’t look at myself and make my own skin crawl as much.  I do feel as if my mind set has changed, I’m not looking at what I haven’t got I am really beginning to look at what I have got.  BUT my anxiety has been quite intense, I know why that is.   It’s because I wanted to be “well” for Christmas.  So the build up for me was a hard work.  I do these body scans in my head, I ask myself how am I feeling? any aches anywhere? do I have a temperature? is my tummy unsettled? do I feel sick? have I got a toothache or earache? the list goes on and on trust me.  I have been aware of this though this year,  last year I went into hibernation so I couldn’t pick up any germs but by doing so I missed out on a lot of fun and nights/days out with friends.  So this year I told myself I would say yes to everything I could.  I’ve been out for Christmas drinks with friends, pantomimes with the family, a Christmas wedding and school carol concerts!  I gave all of these 90% attention and the other 10% I put into body scans and panicking about the “what if’s” and guess what?  The what if’s never happened!! shock!!  But I’m glad I did them all as I did enjoy them.

As you know if you are one of my readers, I try to be Mindful everyday.   Its hard but It is something I have to do otherwise Ill go insane! and one of my Christmas presents off “an aunty that’s not an aunty!!” (we all have one!) was a Mindfulness book, but taking the piss a bit!

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But all Jokes aside, it can be done.  And I do it daily, so why don’t you?  I’m in a place In my mind where I haven’t been for a very long time.  I’m feeling positive, I have idea’s and plans in my head, I’m going to make sure I take my medication when I am suppose to and have my regular check-ups because If I feel good then that makes my life and my plans a lot easier, but any crap thrown my way I can deal with in a healthy way.  So look after yourselves, If you are not feeling your normal happy self, ask yourself why? now is the perfect time to do something about it with a new year heading our way.  Set goals that are achievable, not like winning the lottery! But if I had two bits of advice for you it would be to start to accept yourself, flaws and all.  It makes life a lot easier.  And the second one would be, get moving.  Walking, running, boxing, skipping or swimming. Whatever it is, if you are moving your brain is moving! and it’s throwing out all those yukky thoughts in your mind.

So lets crack on and begin 2016 feeling good.

Nobody else knows you, better than you and nobody knows exactly what you need and want than you.  So  listen to you head.

Happy new year,

Kate xxxxxxxx

A cup of tea, and a happy me….

Hi all!

So normally when I write my blogs I do it on a Friday and schedule it to come out on a Monday, but I wanted to give myself a good week with just me and my mind to report back.  Brand new medication, a brand new mind set and a glimmer of self acceptance.  I’m not going to lie it’s a great feeling! I am taking control and enjoying the things that matter around this time of year.  I’m not talking about presents I mean the stuff like getting together with friends, family meals and parties, school nativities and carol concerts and watching Christmas movies with the kids.  This is a lot of peoples normal Christmas routine but not mine.  Id normally be baking a million cakes, blitzing the house, flying around town spending more money and doing everything in my power not to listen to my own head because Id be terrified Id get ill and worry the whole of Christmas away.  But now I am listening, and when I hear something I don’t like I am really trying to push it away and replace with a positive happy thought.

Last week I was in a dark horrible place, and this is the scary thing about suicide.  I understand why people do it,  It’s a lonely scary time and you can’t see anything but black.  But if you deal with it, get help and take medication if that is required then things can change.  You can change.  I am enjoying stuff,  I’m relaxing with a cup of tea and enjoying the tea and If I have a thought, worry or something irrational I’m working so hard to push it to one side.  So what have I done different this week that has made me feel so good?  Well apart from the obvious, I am being honest with the people closest too me.  Id rather tell you lot on here and thousands read my deepest darkest thoughts than tell my mum, dad or brother.  Because then they know, and I see a lot of them.  Last weeks blog upset them.  Too think that was how I was feeling and they where only up the road.  So mum has been checking in, we’ve been going for coffee’s which we’d do anyway but now there’s truth from my part and I believe her when she sais “I’m here”.  Dad has asked me to come up with a code! so to text him it when I’m in that place.  It’s an emoji! and my brother just called me a knob head and told me to ring him next time!! and checks in on me every day.  So I do feel like this time is different.  I’ve broken the “I can’t say anything to anyone rule” It feel’s good.

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I am coping with the kids better,  I’ve put my foot down with Phoebe.  We have done a proper reward chart and set rules for her and even put locks on the rooms upstairs so she cant go  in and destroy them! she’s aloud to destroy her own, as long as she tidies up! So I feel good.  I am a good person with a good soul. My life isn’t perfect,  I’m not going to be winning any award’s for being the best mum or friend and I will never look like Beyonce! But all I can do is try my best and that is good enough for me.

Lets hope the good stays put for a while because it feels great.

Merry Christmas everyone

Lots of love

Kate xxxx

 

HOPE

What a week.

What a week, I don’t kind of know where to start or how to begin? apart from the start and the truth.   I had began to feel slightly hopeful, and that maybe just maybe, the blackness was lifting and I was going to see some colour, and it was for a little bit.  But on Sunday I woke up and was aware I wasn’t feeling brilliant.  I had a great night out on the Saturday with old work friends and I was having a ball, I felt relaxed, welcomed and comfortable in their home and I was with my good friends.  I got a rush of positivity that “YES” I am great.  Nothing wrong with me and life is boss! which at that moment in time it truly was.  These are the high’s.  If I say I love you I mean it with a cherry on the top, but if I say I hate life and I hate me, then I want to be dead.  There doesn’t seem to be a happy medium when I’m going through a spell.  The next day I woke up,  another day.  Myself and the kids went to mum and dad’s for bacon butties with my Nan and brother it was nice but I was aware of a feeling of loneliness.  It’s silly really but I felt the need to talk but all the attention was on my daughter, she is constantly interrupting, doing something she shouldn’t or showing off and being really funny just like every other 3 year old in the land and I wouldn’t want it any different but I just wanted a bit of time to talk and have a conversation and feel heard I suppose.  I gave up.

The day went down hill for me.  I went home, and tried to stay in a positive mind set desperately.  Myself and the kids put up the Christmas tree, music was on and the candles where lit but I felt numb. Black numb. But I was on my new medication, why am I feeling like this? Monday came and I had a few jobs to do, pay money in the bank, post some letters and go to the shops.  In the afternoon I was back home, I was feeling darker and darker and lonelier as the day went on.  My daughter was having a screaming fit, the house was cold as I didn’t have any gas, I had bumped into an old friend in town who said she’d spent £500 on each child and we haven’t spent even half of that on our two! I felt like pooh.  Everything was piling on top of me, and to top it off I can’t even look in the mirror these days without despising what looks back at me.  What is the point in being here? I decided Id throw myself down the stairs.  YES that is the answer ( how irrational is that ) I stood at the top on the stairs just staring for about 15 minuets, looking at the pro’s and the cons. Scrolling through my phone looking for peoples names that I knew I could call, but every name I came across I thought, “they’ve got enough on their plate, or no they won’t want to hear me moaning” there was always a reason as to why I shouldn’t call.  So I didn’t. But I also didn’t throw myself down the stairs either.  I don’t know why but I didn’t.

I text my sister in law and said I was struggling and I wasn’t quite sure what to do.  But I knew the answer.  I got on the phone to my doctors and asked to see my GP but there wasn’t anything until a week on Thursday. So I hung up. But as I was so frightened of my thoughts I rang back, and the poor receptionist shit herself! She put me on the emergency list for him to call me by the end of the day.  Whilst I was waiting for the call My mum knocked.  We sat and had a coffee.  In my mind I was having an argument with myself “Tell her you want to kill yourself, no don’t be a dick, Kate you are being a dick. Tell her Kate she’s your mum” it went on in my head like that for 20 minutes.  In the end I caved.  “Mum I feel like shit, I feel nothing and today I planned on throwing myself down the stairs.” I sobbed and poured out all of these black horrible feelings.  I feel nothing, every time the kids kick off or fight I feel like a piece of me is being taken away, I don’t want to be here.  I wish I didn’t have this horrible head and instead Id badly broken my legs or arms because if they where in a cast I know that in maybe 12 weeks the cast would be off and id be “healed” but I may never be healed.  The worse fight you can have is the one with your own mind.

After a good chat, and one puffy face later! the doctor called.  He was concerned about me and said I shouldn’t be feeling like that.  He suggested hospital for a break but to double the medication that I am on now and to go and see him next week after a few days on the medication.  so I plodded on. The next day was tough but I got through it, and the day ended on a nice little high for me.  I went to watch the kid’s in their swimming lessons and it was Phoebe’s first time.  She was amazing, very confident in the water, laughing and every now and then would look over at me with a little smile to say ” did you see me then mum?” Freddy can now swim without any type of aid and every time he got to the end of the pool he would also look over.  It felt good to be alive to see them do so well, and for them to want me to be looking at them and look so happy made them happy in return.  I need to be hear to be their mum.  Yes there will be plenty of hard times, but for every hard time you get, you are compensated at some point with a happy time.  And that is something I need to accept.

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So the week is nearly over and this girl is kind of how I feel at the moment.  Still quite lonely and in a dark space but I can see the light. I really really want to control this and enjoy Christmas.  So my rules for living this week are I’m not going to look in a mirror if I really don’t have to.  If I don’t like what I see then don’t look girl.  Number two is,  I never enjoy Christmas day as it feels a bit of an anti-climax and the build up to Christmas is just a big worry of will I get ill? will I die? will the kids get ill? so I am taking each day at a time and trying to enjoy the Christmas build up and not just focus on one day in the future.  The weekend is yet to come and I do find that hard, but because I’ve been honest and told a few family members, they are there for me and offering help. And I may get a couple of hours rest tomorrow.  Lets wait and see.

Thank you for always reading, never judging and always listening.

If you are struggling, don’t be brave.  You won’t ever get a certificate for not talking.

Kate

 

Hold onto the good and eat your Weetabix

Evening you lot!

So there you have it another week done.  Another week survived, and another week of living with mental health.  What I have come to realise though, when it’s bad its really bad.  There is no other colours on the spectrum apart from black and a shitty brown.  When you are in that zone you can’t see any other colour, want to see any other colours or even try and look for them.  What’s the point? So this is where it gets very scary and suicide and self-harm comes into our thoughts.  If you have read all of my  blog’s, you will remember in “Depression and Toast” I spoke about sitting on the bed with my mum.   I was going to kill myself that night.  I was calm and content with my decision but then other’s found out and emergency crisis teams got involved.  My mum said to me, if I want to I can see the sun rising the next day, I can hear the birds tweeting in the morning and I can have a nice piece of warm buttered toast.  What was I going to choose? Even though I thought she was talking utter shite I humoured her.  I wanted to prove her wrong and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, its depression.  It will be with me forever.  I was proved wrong.  Very quickly because I was talking, I did begin to see a change.  People did seem to care, and maybe if I had of killed myself people would of got upset a little? Medication was kicking in and although I was off work a long time my life was beginning to build back up.

That was one of the best lessons I’ve ever learnt. Better than the reasons for using a protractor or compass in maths, or if Hitler really did have one ball ( which I still don’t know the answer to, and was it in the Albert Hall?!) To me life is one of the biggest lessons we will ever attend.  And going through that black and brown period I learnt that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Depression and Anxiety is something I may probably struggle with for the rest of my life, and when I have my downs now yes I hate them, I hate them with a passion.  They scare me,  only last week I was thinking would I really be missed? wouldn’t the kids be better off without their freak of a mum? wouldn’t it be easier for Paul not to have to worry about me? But I recognise these thoughts now.  Yes I feel them but I know they are irrational.  Before I thought they where rational, they made sense! So next time somebody sais to you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, just have trust and faith in that person.

I’ve had quite a good little week! Medication has deffo kicked in, I’m out like a light at night.  I wake up quite heavy and almost a sedated like feeling but I can cope with that.  After my Weetabix and Green tea, that passes! Monday’s are a good day for me as you know.  It’s busy out, there are people to talk to and of an evening I go to  a female only boxing class that I love.  Exercise is the key to mental health, I don’t care what people say.  Whether that be a run, walk, boxing or swimming  just get moving and in this class we move! A.K.A DIE!!!! but its great and so is the lady that runs it.  Tuesday the hubby was off so I don’t feel the need to plan anything we just see what happens and Wednesday I love because my amazing naughty child goes to pre-school for 5 fabulous hours and the same Thursday and Friday!!! so the week has been good to me and I have been good to the week.  I am in control this week, and if next week I am out of control and feeling shite again, it’s  ok.  I know what to do, I’ve been there before and I will get out of it again.

I’m holding onto the good, I hope you are to.

Much Love

Kate xxx