Evening you lot!
So there you have it another week done. Another week survived, and another week of living with mental health. What I have come to realise though, when it’s bad its really bad. There is no other colours on the spectrum apart from black and a shitty brown. When you are in that zone you can’t see any other colour, want to see any other colours or even try and look for them. What’s the point? So this is where it gets very scary and suicide and self-harm comes into our thoughts. If you have read all of my blog’s, you will remember in “Depression and Toast” I spoke about sitting on the bed with my mum. I was going to kill myself that night. I was calm and content with my decision but then other’s found out and emergency crisis teams got involved. My mum said to me, if I want to I can see the sun rising the next day, I can hear the birds tweeting in the morning and I can have a nice piece of warm buttered toast. What was I going to choose? Even though I thought she was talking utter shite I humoured her. I wanted to prove her wrong and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, its depression. It will be with me forever. I was proved wrong. Very quickly because I was talking, I did begin to see a change. People did seem to care, and maybe if I had of killed myself people would of got upset a little? Medication was kicking in and although I was off work a long time my life was beginning to build back up.
That was one of the best lessons I’ve ever learnt. Better than the reasons for using a protractor or compass in maths, or if Hitler really did have one ball ( which I still don’t know the answer to, and was it in the Albert Hall?!) To me life is one of the biggest lessons we will ever attend. And going through that black and brown period I learnt that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Depression and Anxiety is something I may probably struggle with for the rest of my life, and when I have my downs now yes I hate them, I hate them with a passion. They scare me, only last week I was thinking would I really be missed? wouldn’t the kids be better off without their freak of a mum? wouldn’t it be easier for Paul not to have to worry about me? But I recognise these thoughts now. Yes I feel them but I know they are irrational. Before I thought they where rational, they made sense! So next time somebody sais to you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, just have trust and faith in that person.
I’ve had quite a good little week! Medication has deffo kicked in, I’m out like a light at night. I wake up quite heavy and almost a sedated like feeling but I can cope with that. After my Weetabix and Green tea, that passes! Monday’s are a good day for me as you know. It’s busy out, there are people to talk to and of an evening I go to a female only boxing class that I love. Exercise is the key to mental health, I don’t care what people say. Whether that be a run, walk, boxing or swimming just get moving and in this class we move! A.K.A DIE!!!! but its great and so is the lady that runs it. Tuesday the hubby was off so I don’t feel the need to plan anything we just see what happens and Wednesday I love because my amazing naughty child goes to pre-school for 5 fabulous hours and the same Thursday and Friday!!! so the week has been good to me and I have been good to the week. I am in control this week, and if next week I am out of control and feeling shite again, it’s ok. I know what to do, I’ve been there before and I will get out of it again.
I’m holding onto the good, I hope you are to.