What a week.
What a week, I don’t kind of know where to start or how to begin? apart from the start and the truth. I had began to feel slightly hopeful, and that maybe just maybe, the blackness was lifting and I was going to see some colour, and it was for a little bit. But on Sunday I woke up and was aware I wasn’t feeling brilliant. I had a great night out on the Saturday with old work friends and I was having a ball, I felt relaxed, welcomed and comfortable in their home and I was with my good friends. I got a rush of positivity that “YES” I am great. Nothing wrong with me and life is boss! which at that moment in time it truly was. These are the high’s. If I say I love you I mean it with a cherry on the top, but if I say I hate life and I hate me, then I want to be dead. There doesn’t seem to be a happy medium when I’m going through a spell. The next day I woke up, another day. Myself and the kids went to mum and dad’s for bacon butties with my Nan and brother it was nice but I was aware of a feeling of loneliness. It’s silly really but I felt the need to talk but all the attention was on my daughter, she is constantly interrupting, doing something she shouldn’t or showing off and being really funny just like every other 3 year old in the land and I wouldn’t want it any different but I just wanted a bit of time to talk and have a conversation and feel heard I suppose. I gave up.
The day went down hill for me. I went home, and tried to stay in a positive mind set desperately. Myself and the kids put up the Christmas tree, music was on and the candles where lit but I felt numb. Black numb. But I was on my new medication, why am I feeling like this? Monday came and I had a few jobs to do, pay money in the bank, post some letters and go to the shops. In the afternoon I was back home, I was feeling darker and darker and lonelier as the day went on. My daughter was having a screaming fit, the house was cold as I didn’t have any gas, I had bumped into an old friend in town who said she’d spent £500 on each child and we haven’t spent even half of that on our two! I felt like pooh. Everything was piling on top of me, and to top it off I can’t even look in the mirror these days without despising what looks back at me. What is the point in being here? I decided Id throw myself down the stairs. YES that is the answer ( how irrational is that ) I stood at the top on the stairs just staring for about 15 minuets, looking at the pro’s and the cons. Scrolling through my phone looking for peoples names that I knew I could call, but every name I came across I thought, “they’ve got enough on their plate, or no they won’t want to hear me moaning” there was always a reason as to why I shouldn’t call. So I didn’t. But I also didn’t throw myself down the stairs either. I don’t know why but I didn’t.
I text my sister in law and said I was struggling and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. But I knew the answer. I got on the phone to my doctors and asked to see my GP but there wasn’t anything until a week on Thursday. So I hung up. But as I was so frightened of my thoughts I rang back, and the poor receptionist shit herself! She put me on the emergency list for him to call me by the end of the day. Whilst I was waiting for the call My mum knocked. We sat and had a coffee. In my mind I was having an argument with myself “Tell her you want to kill yourself, no don’t be a dick, Kate you are being a dick. Tell her Kate she’s your mum” it went on in my head like that for 20 minutes. In the end I caved. “Mum I feel like shit, I feel nothing and today I planned on throwing myself down the stairs.” I sobbed and poured out all of these black horrible feelings. I feel nothing, every time the kids kick off or fight I feel like a piece of me is being taken away, I don’t want to be here. I wish I didn’t have this horrible head and instead Id badly broken my legs or arms because if they where in a cast I know that in maybe 12 weeks the cast would be off and id be “healed” but I may never be healed. The worse fight you can have is the one with your own mind.
After a good chat, and one puffy face later! the doctor called. He was concerned about me and said I shouldn’t be feeling like that. He suggested hospital for a break but to double the medication that I am on now and to go and see him next week after a few days on the medication. so I plodded on. The next day was tough but I got through it, and the day ended on a nice little high for me. I went to watch the kid’s in their swimming lessons and it was Phoebe’s first time. She was amazing, very confident in the water, laughing and every now and then would look over at me with a little smile to say ” did you see me then mum?” Freddy can now swim without any type of aid and every time he got to the end of the pool he would also look over. It felt good to be alive to see them do so well, and for them to want me to be looking at them and look so happy made them happy in return. I need to be hear to be their mum. Yes there will be plenty of hard times, but for every hard time you get, you are compensated at some point with a happy time. And that is something I need to accept.
So the week is nearly over and this girl is kind of how I feel at the moment. Still quite lonely and in a dark space but I can see the light. I really really want to control this and enjoy Christmas. So my rules for living this week are I’m not going to look in a mirror if I really don’t have to. If I don’t like what I see then don’t look girl. Number two is, I never enjoy Christmas day as it feels a bit of an anti-climax and the build up to Christmas is just a big worry of will I get ill? will I die? will the kids get ill? so I am taking each day at a time and trying to enjoy the Christmas build up and not just focus on one day in the future. The weekend is yet to come and I do find that hard, but because I’ve been honest and told a few family members, they are there for me and offering help. And I may get a couple of hours rest tomorrow. Lets wait and see.
Thank you for always reading, never judging and always listening.
If you are struggling, don’t be brave. You won’t ever get a certificate for not talking.