So normally when I write my blogs I do it on a Friday and schedule it to come out on a Monday, but I wanted to give myself a good week with just me and my mind to report back. Brand new medication, a brand new mind set and a glimmer of self acceptance. I’m not going to lie it’s a great feeling! I am taking control and enjoying the things that matter around this time of year. I’m not talking about presents I mean the stuff like getting together with friends, family meals and parties, school nativities and carol concerts and watching Christmas movies with the kids. This is a lot of peoples normal Christmas routine but not mine. Id normally be baking a million cakes, blitzing the house, flying around town spending more money and doing everything in my power not to listen to my own head because Id be terrified Id get ill and worry the whole of Christmas away. But now I am listening, and when I hear something I don’t like I am really trying to push it away and replace with a positive happy thought.
Last week I was in a dark horrible place, and this is the scary thing about suicide. I understand why people do it, It’s a lonely scary time and you can’t see anything but black. But if you deal with it, get help and take medication if that is required then things can change. You can change. I am enjoying stuff, I’m relaxing with a cup of tea and enjoying the tea and If I have a thought, worry or something irrational I’m working so hard to push it to one side. So what have I done different this week that has made me feel so good? Well apart from the obvious, I am being honest with the people closest too me. Id rather tell you lot on here and thousands read my deepest darkest thoughts than tell my mum, dad or brother. Because then they know, and I see a lot of them. Last weeks blog upset them. Too think that was how I was feeling and they where only up the road. So mum has been checking in, we’ve been going for coffee’s which we’d do anyway but now there’s truth from my part and I believe her when she sais “I’m here”. Dad has asked me to come up with a code! so to text him it when I’m in that place. It’s an emoji! and my brother just called me a knob head and told me to ring him next time!! and checks in on me every day. So I do feel like this time is different. I’ve broken the “I can’t say anything to anyone rule” It feel’s good.
I am coping with the kids better, I’ve put my foot down with Phoebe. We have done a proper reward chart and set rules for her and even put locks on the rooms upstairs so she cant go in and destroy them! she’s aloud to destroy her own, as long as she tidies up! So I feel good. I am a good person with a good soul. My life isn’t perfect, I’m not going to be winning any award’s for being the best mum or friend and I will never look like Beyonce! But all I can do is try my best and that is good enough for me.
Lets hope the good stays put for a while because it feels great.
Merry Christmas everyone
Lots of love