I’m invisable!

Ok dokes!

So guess what? my thighs rub together when I walk ( which can be lethal with nylon knickers) my belly wobbles when I cough, my tummy has white squiggly lines on from having two humans grow in there ( how clever am I?) and when I wave my bingo wings almost come up and smack me in the face! but does all these things mean I cant like myself and you can’t like me? Or to feel confident about going out? because that’s exactly what has happened to me this week.  Me and my hubby haven’t exactly  been the best of friends lately and the kids just constantly want me to do 24 hour shifts in the kitchen, un-paid making endless amounts of toast, cereal and pasta-bakes, well let me tell you this you lot. That just isn’t happening!! I feel positively vile about myself this week, but with experience I know that as quick as I feel yuk I can feel fabulous.   So after a lot of silent treatments, arguments and honest conversations the house is a better place! It is equal again.  I got up this morning and went for a run, had my Weetabix and green tea and I aim to do that every morning.  Start the day for something that is just for me.  I was home for 7.30am, so enough time to grab a shower and the crack on with my morning shift in the kitchen!!

Another Monday, I cant believe how quick these weeks go.  So what have you done with your week? I’ve met a few people this week that have survived! survived a week of motherhood with a baby on the boob and a toddler destroying the gaff, survived working full time and coming home and then being a dad, survived another week of living on your own after being married for over 60 odd years, survived a racing heart beat and intense feelings of fear because you might just get ill and survived the boss from hell that they might accidentally on purpose one day just high five them  in the face…..with a chair!!!  What ever you have done, you have done it.  And you did survive the week!! I’ve just mentally abused myself this week.  Because I haven’t been for a run or been boxing this week I feel like a  moose.  People are looking at me because I look like a pig in make-up.  We had a family engagement meal at the weekend and because as soon as people saw me they said I looked nice, I thought it was a set up.  They have been told to say that, maybe they weren’t but that’s what goes on in my mind.  I’m convinced I’m never enough all the bloody time and I am sick of it.  So today I have woke up and tried to start a fresh with my run.   It was really nice, the sun was rising and everywhere was covered in frost.

If you suffer with mental health, it is a battle.  Because you are fighting it on your own, but only if you don’t tell anyone.   Somebody I used to see suffered terribly with mental health but you would never of guessed.  He looked incredibly strong, huge muscles, big legs, stubbly beard almost like what Disney portrays as a hero type figure! you would expect him to catch you from a tree!  Anyway this guy got on the train with his bike and stumbled around.  It was a busy time of day and people where huffing and puffing as some people do,  he was getting his heckles up and mouthed off to them.  He could feel himself burning up with rage and tuned his back.  This was a big deal,  getting on a busy train, with his bike and venturing out.  What I am getting at because he wasn’t in a wheelchair, on Crutcher’s, with a career, in plaster or doing an impression of a singing frog! people just didn’t help out.  No chair was offered, people didn’t move to help or ask if he was ok.  This is why his anger was building up,  he felt angry that nobody could see he was ill, he needed help and all he needed was a smile. I’m totally aware that there are arrogant arseholes out there trust me.  But please be more aware that there are many people out there suffering with an invisible illness.  PTSD, depression, cancer, anxiety, phobias, infertile,  fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, arthritis, stress,  the list goes on and on and on.   So if someone is acting a bit peculiar just chill and do what you feel is right but don’t make their day any worse than it already might be.

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I will always have this invisible illness but I’m hoping now I am on the right medication I will be able to manage a lot better.  I’m not self harming and haven’t for a while now. Today I am just getting through Monday and I will deal with Tuesday tomorrow! Look after yourselves, eat your greens and dunk a biscuit in your tea.

Lots of Love.

Kate xxxx

 

 

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Be happy with a C

Evening all,

How’s everybody’s week been? On the whole mine has been quite good. Id say out of 7 days I had 5 great care free days and two not so care free, one in particular. Why? well there is always a reason with anxiety.  It comes and smacks you in the face when you are expecting it! and I was expecting it.   I was away this weekend and I was really looking forward to and didn’t want anything to ruin it.  So what if it did? what if I got ill? and that’s my biggie.  So I suppose I try and make myself feel ill! because “it is going to happen right?” So the sore throat starts, my temp went high and yes I did that all myself because us humans are clever and then I didn’t realise how clever I was, my hubby came down with a cold!! this anxiety is powerful shit, I can make people have my worries.  Just pure coincidence obviously! The day before I  was due to go I was shaking like mad,  breathing was terrible and I just felt terrible.  I even wanted to cancel  my hair appointment for a curly blow because I didn’t think I’d be able to sit still. But I did. Id just arrived into work, how can I help people when I feel like this? I need to do something quick to get it all out of my body, like a negative detox.  So I wrote this little poem in under 5 minuets. Please click on the link below.

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That pretty much sums up my day on Friday! but writing does help a lot, so maybe try it yourself?  I also love this little  breathing technique.  It works a treat ( just make sure you blow your nose beforehand!!)

I am coping a lot better with the kids these days lately.  I don’t get any feelings of dread in the morning or throughout the day I  just feel like being mum and I am happy doing so.  Some days I wanted to lock myself away or just go to bed and not wake up for a month.  I needed peace and with kids especially my two you don’t get peace.  My house resembles a tip, I cook 4 different meals a night whilst splitting up fights, feeding the cat and doing the dishes all whilst the hubby’s sat down because he’s had a hard day!!!! because all I do is watch loose women and drink tea!! ( which I do but he doesn’t need to know this ) but its not just me, it’s not just my house and its not my fault.  No more internalizing.  It is bad for you. But I can only do this on good days.   I was talking with a client this week and we where talking about school grades and the pressures students are under.  When I was a kid getting C was amazing, you’d  passed.  But now apparently that’s not that great.  Its all about the A*,A’s and B’s. How sad and what kind of an example are teachers setting if they are expecting perfection.  I am happy with a C.  It is more achievable,  it’s not perfect but it is something you would be happy with.  Let’s try and have a C life.   Be  happy, laugh, cry, be sad, but be more happy,  do things you like but you have to do some things you don’t  quite like too, eat your greens and then have the cake.   Make your life and days well rounded.

And remember as quick as the anxiety and darkness comes it can go.

Kate xx

 

 

What story does your face tell?

This week I was out walking, and I spotted an old lady that looked amazing.  She was everything I want to be if I’m lucky enough to reach that grand old age! She had the brightest lipstick, a purple turban like hat on and was sat on a bench just taking in life smoking a fag surrounded my smoke but she looked amazing and full of life.  She looked completely carefree, beautiful and just happy. Happy that she had reached her age, happy just smoking her fag and happy just watching the world go by.  But I bet she has some stories to tell.  Some tough times.  Her face was a story.

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This was a little eye opener for me this week.  I didn’t feel myself last week at all,  I’m not even sure exactly what I felt but I didn’t like it.  I was made up with my new job which I’m yet to start but It kind of went unnoticed and that sounds ridiculous and it is really.  I’m a grown women, why should I get attention but sometimes I take life a bit personally.  I think if you are in a caring type job or have ever suffered with depression before you never want anyone to experience that feeling, so  we  go above and beyond to make sure others don’t feel sad, scared, alone or judged  but because of this we get hurt along the way.  Because not everybody is like that. And that isn’t wrong at all.  That is just the way they are.  So learn to say no thank you, or yes of course but……..This old lady would of told me this.   She was wise.  And why was she wise? because she has experienced a lot of shit that was thrown her way.  So when shit is thrown your way, don’t turn your back to it.  Learn from it and stick it in your library of experience to give out when you’re older, whilst you’re in a cloud of smoke!

I’ve seen a number of people this week that are off work with stress.   What is this? well I know it sounds obvious but stress is caused from many different situations, whether it be the loss of a loved one, work life is to much, worrying about your health, divorce the list goes on and on. The symptoms you may experience could be snapping at people, not sleeping, lack of concentration and a knot in your tummy with the thought of work or something else,  racing heart, high blood pressure again the symptoms go on.   So how do you deal with that? and what exactly is going on inside your body?

It starts of with those chemicals you here about, and to cut to the chase it sends a message to you pituitary glad which then wakes up your adrenaline in your body. This sits aT the bottom of the brain  and kicks off all your hormones.  So with acute stress ( and remember you don’t need to exactly feel stressed to be stressed your body determines that ) adrenaline goes into your bloodstream which then causes the anxiety, high blood  pressure, heart racing, sweating or flushing, dizzy spells, lack of appetite and disturbed sleep.

So what do I say? well what I want to know is what are your responses to the events or situations that cause your stress? If you automatically perceive them as a negative then you will begin to kick off your stress levels.  I totally understand in times of life we have normal stress which is good,  getting the kids ready and out the house without to many fights,  meeting deadlines in work etc. But if you continue to see the negative all the time and feel bogged down by life then Stress will begin to take over. Is it your problem? is there anything you can do about it? Is it your responsibility? Have you told any body? and what are you automatically thinking about that event.  You need to become aware of your physical sensations that you experience.  My symptoms of Anxiety as I don’t get stressed really are flu like symptoms.  Sore throat, very hot, snotty nose and a headache.  So now when that happens I’m aware of what is going on and just grab an early night.

  • Don’t compare yourself to others.  Everyone’s experiences of life are different.
  • Try and not to watch the news,  there is no point. People are dying, new diseases are being found, somewhere has been blown up, mortgages are none existent, and peoples wages are going down.  What benefit can you get out of watching that?
  • Tell someone you feel overwhelmed.  Say no to the demand but say yes more to friends.
  • Relax more.  Have a hot bath, do breathing exercises ensure you sit down for 15mins a day and try to chill and listen to some music.  I never have the telly on in the day! I’m a Radio 2 looser! music lifts your soul.

Don’t compare, look after yourself, others and write.

Always here and always listening.

Kate xx

Im just sitting on a cliff edge….

Thanks for popping back in!

These weeks just fly by lately, all in all a really good week but the anxiety has been in the background constantly. The most perfect way Id describe it is sitting on a cliff edge looking out to the most amazing view.  Everything I see is great, and its all real but the feeling of nerves that “I may” fall has just been there.  Such a bastard.  But If that’s what I have to put up with then so be it.  The good news is I’ve been offered a job!! Its part time, a cheeky little wage and its exactly what I trained to do! A counsellor working with vulnerable kids/teenagers!! over the moon.  All that hard work has paid off and about time hey.

depression head with butterfly

But there is a but……..I don’t know what it is but I have a feeling.  I want to punch someone in the face and then hug them and say sorry, I want to cry but laugh my head off and I want to run away and be a hippy in India and jib the kids off but then I want to stay at home because nobody is getting their hand on my chicks.   I don’t know what I want but I know I want this job! I can’t wait.  Escape the house, dishes, fights and 4 walls!!  I might sound a bit tight saying that but that’s the reality of motherhood! amazing and repetitive, wanting to throttle the little sods and wanting to kiss the face off them! Either way I am ready to do all of that but then work and be known as Kate, not just mum.

So how is everyone this week? Looking after yourselves? if not why not? Even when I’m feeling a tad bit flat I have to move my arse and do something about it.  I have been seeing someone that has realised in order for him to have a good day, he must start as soon as he opens his eyes in the morning.  So instead of a fag and a coffee at 7am he gets up and heads out of the front door and gets the papers, after a stroll around and watching the world get ready he heads home and then has his coffee.  Feeling fresh this adds a kick to his day, like an extra chilli! I cant exercise in the morning, it makes me want to puke! but I could manage a brisk walk, so in order to lift my mood, that is what I’ll do this week and I’ll report back. Add something new to your day.  Give it a go.  I know I have mentioned time and time again, but acceptance is a big deal.  If you can accept the fact you have a problem that needs looking after then you’ll be ok,  I accept the fact I have this little “Thing” in my head that needs babysitting. Sometimes it plays on its own quite nicely, but then days like today its driving me mad.  But that’s ok,  I can look after it, eat a good healthy dinner, have a shower, maybe a green tea and make a list of what is making me feel like this, can I deal with it? if yes then I will. If no then I have to press the delete button.  Do you know someone that suffers with mental health? instead of waiting for them to bring the subject up, why don’t you? It’s nice when people ask instead of me plucking up the courage and saying  ” hey I’m as mad as a box of frogs”!! I love it when people ask me,  It shows they care, don’t find it a strange thing to talk about and just makes it all just feel normal.  Which it is may I add, just like a broken arm.

I feel like I’ve waffled on tonight,  I’ve not said much but there isn’t a lot going on upstairs today.  Strange feeling.  A fucking nuisance to be quite honest, but I always try to think of the people battling cancer, fighting to see their children, up to their eyes in debt and thinking suicide is the only way out.  They are problems that are out of their hands,  I have my anxiety and depression in my hands and I’ll keep it nice and warm.

Thanks for reading and for asking.

Me xxx

Water your flowers for life

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My Week……

Evening you lot! Hope you’re all doing well? feeling good? fighting those demons? If not I’m so sorry you are struggling, have you told anyone? I totally understand if you haven’t because I didn’t! I honestly think I could win an award for best female actress, I used to be all smiles, jokes and full of beans, but what they didn’t know was I was dying inside wishing somebody could mind read and then hug me. Wearing long sleeve tops hiding the visible scars.  But by doing that what did I achieve? nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  My worries took away my time there and then.  What a pile of bollocks hey?! but It is all gravy baby! Because I do believe that stuff happens for a reason.  And if I didn’t go through any of that stuff I wouldn’t be in the job I’m in today,  I wouldn’t be writing this blog and I wouldn’t be so empathic and passionate about my job.

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Let’s talk about men.  I’ve had a number of males just over the past week referred to me.   It’s about 50/50 men and woman which is a positive step to say we are moving forward with mental health.  Its becoming more and more talked about and accepted.  People are beginning to understand as to why men and woman feel this way.  The stresses on our lives today is huge.  What car you drive, how much money you have, how many kids you  have, how much salary you’re on, how many bedrooms do you have……the list goes on and on and on. Life sadly has become a bit of a competition.  Men a few years back had to be tough and not talk or cry because if they did then it was a sign of weakness.  How sad is that? just because they have a willy they can’t cry! Well I am glad to say that it’s changing.  Men are putting their hands up saying they are struggling,  they feel depressed, stressed,  where beaten as a little boy, abused, never felt love and they need it now.  It’s never ever to late.  Trust me.  I saw a lovely quote the other day and it just had a picture of two Orchids and it just said ” A flower does not think of competing with another flower next to it. It just blooms.” Why can’t we do that? But we can, as babies we don’t care what nappies the other babies wearing or what make their high chair is! We just see them as another person and soul.  We can do that now.  Stop comparing with others, concentrate on our own lives and improve what you can, be happy with what makes you happy and change the stuff that makes you unhappy.

If we where to open up our bodies, you’d be able to see all our organs, bones, bits and bobs! but you can’t see a soul, personality and mental illness. So wonder what depression would look like? A little sad black dog? an old guy giving you the finger whilst knocking back a whisky?!! what I’m getting at is it can be anything you want it to be.  It doesn’t have to be black and control you.  Mine I like to think as a Lotus flower, the flower opens more often now and shines brightly, but some days it closes.  But it never dies.  water your flowers and look after yourselves.

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As you know one of my dreams is to go to Brighton Pier! and It’s all booked.  When I think about it my heart races,  my anxiety kicks in, the “What if’s” kick in and I have told myself at least 10 times, you’re not going Kate! stay at home with the kids it’ll be safer.  For years my anxiety and depression has won.  Well no more sunshine!! I am winning and I am going and I will have a fab time.  Just me and my chicks!

Love you!

Kate xxx