Im just sitting on a cliff edge….

Thanks for popping back in!

These weeks just fly by lately, all in all a really good week but the anxiety has been in the background constantly. The most perfect way Id describe it is sitting on a cliff edge looking out to the most amazing view.  Everything I see is great, and its all real but the feeling of nerves that “I may” fall has just been there.  Such a bastard.  But If that’s what I have to put up with then so be it.  The good news is I’ve been offered a job!! Its part time, a cheeky little wage and its exactly what I trained to do! A counsellor working with vulnerable kids/teenagers!! over the moon.  All that hard work has paid off and about time hey.

depression head with butterfly

But there is a but……..I don’t know what it is but I have a feeling.  I want to punch someone in the face and then hug them and say sorry, I want to cry but laugh my head off and I want to run away and be a hippy in India and jib the kids off but then I want to stay at home because nobody is getting their hand on my chicks.   I don’t know what I want but I know I want this job! I can’t wait.  Escape the house, dishes, fights and 4 walls!!  I might sound a bit tight saying that but that’s the reality of motherhood! amazing and repetitive, wanting to throttle the little sods and wanting to kiss the face off them! Either way I am ready to do all of that but then work and be known as Kate, not just mum.

So how is everyone this week? Looking after yourselves? if not why not? Even when I’m feeling a tad bit flat I have to move my arse and do something about it.  I have been seeing someone that has realised in order for him to have a good day, he must start as soon as he opens his eyes in the morning.  So instead of a fag and a coffee at 7am he gets up and heads out of the front door and gets the papers, after a stroll around and watching the world get ready he heads home and then has his coffee.  Feeling fresh this adds a kick to his day, like an extra chilli! I cant exercise in the morning, it makes me want to puke! but I could manage a brisk walk, so in order to lift my mood, that is what I’ll do this week and I’ll report back. Add something new to your day.  Give it a go.  I know I have mentioned time and time again, but acceptance is a big deal.  If you can accept the fact you have a problem that needs looking after then you’ll be ok,  I accept the fact I have this little “Thing” in my head that needs babysitting. Sometimes it plays on its own quite nicely, but then days like today its driving me mad.  But that’s ok,  I can look after it, eat a good healthy dinner, have a shower, maybe a green tea and make a list of what is making me feel like this, can I deal with it? if yes then I will. If no then I have to press the delete button.  Do you know someone that suffers with mental health? instead of waiting for them to bring the subject up, why don’t you? It’s nice when people ask instead of me plucking up the courage and saying  ” hey I’m as mad as a box of frogs”!! I love it when people ask me,  It shows they care, don’t find it a strange thing to talk about and just makes it all just feel normal.  Which it is may I add, just like a broken arm.

I feel like I’ve waffled on tonight,  I’ve not said much but there isn’t a lot going on upstairs today.  Strange feeling.  A fucking nuisance to be quite honest, but I always try to think of the people battling cancer, fighting to see their children, up to their eyes in debt and thinking suicide is the only way out.  They are problems that are out of their hands,  I have my anxiety and depression in my hands and I’ll keep it nice and warm.

Thanks for reading and for asking.

Me xxx

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