I’m invisable!

Ok dokes!

So guess what? my thighs rub together when I walk ( which can be lethal with nylon knickers) my belly wobbles when I cough, my tummy has white squiggly lines on from having two humans grow in there ( how clever am I?) and when I wave my bingo wings almost come up and smack me in the face! but does all these things mean I cant like myself and you can’t like me? Or to feel confident about going out? because that’s exactly what has happened to me this week.  Me and my hubby haven’t exactly  been the best of friends lately and the kids just constantly want me to do 24 hour shifts in the kitchen, un-paid making endless amounts of toast, cereal and pasta-bakes, well let me tell you this you lot. That just isn’t happening!! I feel positively vile about myself this week, but with experience I know that as quick as I feel yuk I can feel fabulous.   So after a lot of silent treatments, arguments and honest conversations the house is a better place! It is equal again.  I got up this morning and went for a run, had my Weetabix and green tea and I aim to do that every morning.  Start the day for something that is just for me.  I was home for 7.30am, so enough time to grab a shower and the crack on with my morning shift in the kitchen!!

Another Monday, I cant believe how quick these weeks go.  So what have you done with your week? I’ve met a few people this week that have survived! survived a week of motherhood with a baby on the boob and a toddler destroying the gaff, survived working full time and coming home and then being a dad, survived another week of living on your own after being married for over 60 odd years, survived a racing heart beat and intense feelings of fear because you might just get ill and survived the boss from hell that they might accidentally on purpose one day just high five them  in the face…..with a chair!!!  What ever you have done, you have done it.  And you did survive the week!! I’ve just mentally abused myself this week.  Because I haven’t been for a run or been boxing this week I feel like a  moose.  People are looking at me because I look like a pig in make-up.  We had a family engagement meal at the weekend and because as soon as people saw me they said I looked nice, I thought it was a set up.  They have been told to say that, maybe they weren’t but that’s what goes on in my mind.  I’m convinced I’m never enough all the bloody time and I am sick of it.  So today I have woke up and tried to start a fresh with my run.   It was really nice, the sun was rising and everywhere was covered in frost.

If you suffer with mental health, it is a battle.  Because you are fighting it on your own, but only if you don’t tell anyone.   Somebody I used to see suffered terribly with mental health but you would never of guessed.  He looked incredibly strong, huge muscles, big legs, stubbly beard almost like what Disney portrays as a hero type figure! you would expect him to catch you from a tree!  Anyway this guy got on the train with his bike and stumbled around.  It was a busy time of day and people where huffing and puffing as some people do,  he was getting his heckles up and mouthed off to them.  He could feel himself burning up with rage and tuned his back.  This was a big deal,  getting on a busy train, with his bike and venturing out.  What I am getting at because he wasn’t in a wheelchair, on Crutcher’s, with a career, in plaster or doing an impression of a singing frog! people just didn’t help out.  No chair was offered, people didn’t move to help or ask if he was ok.  This is why his anger was building up,  he felt angry that nobody could see he was ill, he needed help and all he needed was a smile. I’m totally aware that there are arrogant arseholes out there trust me.  But please be more aware that there are many people out there suffering with an invisible illness.  PTSD, depression, cancer, anxiety, phobias, infertile,  fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, arthritis, stress,  the list goes on and on and on.   So if someone is acting a bit peculiar just chill and do what you feel is right but don’t make their day any worse than it already might be.

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I will always have this invisible illness but I’m hoping now I am on the right medication I will be able to manage a lot better.  I’m not self harming and haven’t for a while now. Today I am just getting through Monday and I will deal with Tuesday tomorrow! Look after yourselves, eat your greens and dunk a biscuit in your tea.

Lots of Love.

Kate xxxx




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