Hope everyone is ok. Today is my birthday! I’m the grand old age of 31. Its been 10 years since my 21st birthday and I was pregnant feeling like my world was over and I wouldn’t be able to cope. Its the 10th year of surviving motherhood and the 31st year in my life. I’m quite proud of myself surviving 10 years of motherhood, because I just regretted having my son so much at the time, god I was overwhelmed with fear, panic and rejection. I’m being brutally honest now, but we where going to have an abortion. It felt like the right thing to do, we had no money and no clue. All booked in and off to hospital we went. silence the whole way there. My name was called out and off we went into a room with a nurse. She asked a million questions, are you sure? have you thought this through? the list goes on. She handed me the pill with a cup of water. I hesitated and Paul said stop. We can do this, I don’t know how but we will do this. We stood up and walked out. Walked out with a life, a terrifying future but the best decision I have ever made. But I did have to fight some battles. What have I done? Who is this little pink thing that I’ve never met? If he cries what does it mean? I didn’t even know what or how to feed him because breast-feeding for me was out of the question, just because of confidence I suppose. My hubby’s mum made the first bottle and showed us what to do and I remember feeling so crap, I don’t even know how to do that. Its a pride thing. But I did get through it! From a one bedroomed flat being 21 with a mortgage, baby and a long term boyfriend I was scared. Scared out of my pants. I began to pick things up, I was bouncing Freddy on my hip and tidying up at the same time. Just like mum said I would. And here I am, 10 years later. Fully bonded! fed, watered and grown into an amazing young lad and I can honestly say one of my best friends. Not bad for a girl that was going to jump out the hospital window on July the 7th 2006. I had a really honest chat with Freddy the other day about my head and what goes on, I told him when I had him I really struggled and was so scared. He said he doesn’t remember, and then went on to ask for some Cornflakes!! That made me realise, when it all seems so real in our heads, and your thoughts almost feel naked, it’s just us. Others do not realise. So be kind on yourselves.
So what else has been happening this week apart from birthdays and mothers day?! Sod all. I’m working hard, looking after myself and trying every day to like what I am. Try and like yourselves. Just a little if you can, it makes life easier, work easier and I always remember my lovely granddad saying, “The only make-up a girl needs is her smile”
Wear your smiles and be brave.
Thank god I was brave.
Birthday girl xxx